NOTE: This article is fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and views of The Tiger. It is for humor purposes only.
The curtains are down, the lights are on, and the stage is set for the one, the only, the Batman of the Brooks Center! Spring break has drawn to a close, students are flooding back onto campus, and now beginning to focus once more on school work. However, the students who spend their time on the more artistic side of campus received the shocking news that the Brooks Center for the Performing Arts is closed for the remainder of the semester, relocating all performances to various churches and auditoriums throughout the community.
The official reason behind the drastic change is the presence of a bat colony that has taken roost within one of the theater walls. However, the investigative journalists at The Tiger know the truth. There is something in these hills, and that something is vengeance (directed towards the Alabama football team), the night (reserved for last minute study sessions) and Batman (the newest resident of Brooks Theater).
Obviously, the bats would not have settled in Brooks Theater without prompting, so there is only one logical reason for their sudden roost: Batman has emerged in Clemson.
A dark and mysterious figure, this hero is known for choosing a spacy, high-tech and cavernous space for his base of operations, and then filling said space with a multitude of bats. Brooks Theater undoubtedly satisfies the requirements for such a space, so when Batman moved in, he only had to add one thing to make it into the perfect Batcave.
So far, no vigilante activities have been spotted in and around Clemson (even concerning the obvious crimes that professors commit against students as finals approach). Therefore, no one is quite sure of the reason why the small and humble college town of Clemson has become the new brooding spot of one of the world’s greatest heroes, but big things are sure to happen soon.
The Tiger managed to interview one of Clemson’s own heroes, Head Coach Dabo Swinney, upon his recent return from the funeral of Bruce Wayne. Wayne, former CEO of Wayne Enterprises, passed away last week under mysterious circumstances, and Swinney, his apparent close friend and confidant, instantly left Clemson to attend the funeral. When faced with questions about the bats in Brooks and the true reason for their residency, Swinney was less than forthcoming.
“The arts are, obviously, important,” Swinney said. “And while I think that having bats in the Brooks Center is tragic and a bit odd, I highly doubt that there are any ridiculous reasons behind it like superheroes or such.”
Another question was posed, but before he could respond, an odd sound emitted from Swinney’s pocket. The sound was rather reminiscent of a certain 60’s theme song of a certain series featuring Adam West, which was interesting considering the certain topic of conversation. With an odd look on his face, Swinney checked his phone, grew rather pale and headed in the opposite direction at a dead sprint. Social media posts have revealed that he was in fact heading in the direction of the Brooks Theater.
Nearly an hour after the interview was suddenly and unexpectedly concluded, reports of a battle between a mutated elephant wearing an Alabama shirt and a humanoid figure in a dark cape and pointy ears originated from the Botanical Gardens. No film was captured of the event, but this can only be taken as reassurance that Batman has, in fact, taken residency on Clemson’s campus.
In the coming weeks, as a large assortment of Brooks events are held off and around campus, one can only hope that a connection between the bats of Brooks Center, the giant Alabama fan elephant and Swinney will be formed. For now, enjoy the Brooks events, try not to stress about finals and remember that if a clown walks up to you on campus and asks, “Why so serious?” then you should run in the other direction.