Long distance relationships are really hard, especially when you can’t see each other for an entire year.
Hormones are raging and you do the best you can to stay intimate by loving your laptop more than anything else. My boyfriend came to South Carolina for a month and all of these pent up hormones exploded into sex… a lot of sex. Lots of sex equals lots of condoms. But, in a house full of dogs, it can be really difficult to find a quiet place where you can get it on.
We decided beforehand that instead of trying to sneak around every time to throw a condom away, we would just store them all in a baggy so they could be thrown out all at once. This was all good and well until the first one magically disappeared.
We checked everywhere to try to find where it had gone to before I remembered that we had let my two dogs upstairs earlier. Oh, why do dogs get into trouble so easily? I knew one of them had to have eaten it because they had seemed particularly interested in what was going on downtown.
We were both freaking out, checking the internet for what to do if a dog swallows a condom (apparently more common than you think). Everything that popped up said the same thing: make the dog vomit by feeding it three percent hydrogen peroxide. We wanted to be absolutely sure, so I still called the vet to make sure what we had read was accurate. She confirmed that vomiting was the best solution, so we grabbed the dog that had been the most interested in us doing the deed and fed it the peroxide.
My dad was going to be home in 45 minutes, so we had to hurry. 30 minutes in and the dog still hadn’t thrown up. Literally the second my dad walked in the door, the dog got up acting like he was sick and limped to the back door.
My boyfriend started talking to my dad to try and distract him while I let the dog into the backyard. Sure enough, he started puking his guts out. I ran over to his barf pool and went through it with a stick. Guess what I found? A bunch of food, and the lost condom! To sum it up, we found the condom and my dad never found out. Hallelujah.