The Chinese New Year was just over a week ago, kicking off the Year of the Dog. With dogs being our sweet, fluffy, ever-loyal companions, some of you may think this is a good thing. News flash: it’s not.
What happens if a dog realizes that this is their year and begins questioning, “Why do I keep bringing the ball back every time they throw it?” Pretty soon that same dog going to answer our eternal question and realize that it is he who is the good boy.
Soon after, dogs will begin questioning everything else we’ve grown accustomed to them blindly accepting, like: “Why can’t I sit on the couch?”, “Why can’t I sleep inside?” and “Why does my food have the same consistency as hard lumps of sand?”
Realizing their full intelligence and incredible capacity for success, dogs will then begin to read and, without our knowing, even speak. Inevitably, one stormy night in a fashion eerily reminiscent of an “Adventures with Rick and Morty” episode, your dog will startle you awake and ask, “Where are my testicles?”
The dog uprising will take off in full swing, with dogs constructing Iron Man-esque robots to provide full mobility, taking advantage of our heavily armed society to wreak full military havoc over our homes, neighborhoods and towns. And they won’t stop there.
Dogs will turn from our hunting partners, our guardians and our house pets into our eventual owners. They will stick our nose in it when we pee on the carpet; when our hair gets too long they’ll take us to a groomer to be poked and prodded at by a dog with cold paws. They’ll put us on leashes whenever we have to leave the house, and yes, they’ll even seek vengeance and spay and neuter us.
The year of the dog will be a dangerous time for us all, and in order to maintain our delicate balance of society, we’ll need to keep an especially close eye on our furry friends for these next 12 months, lest Fido rise up against us.