I come to you today with a rant different than my typical fare. Today I will put aside my feelings about politics to talk to you about something completely different. Today I’m coming to you to speak on an observation I have made over my time here at Clemson and my summers spent in the courtroom. I have come to realize one thing. 

I walk around campus and I see all these hippie, millennial men wearing jeans tight enough to cut the circulation to the bottom half of their body. What happened to just a good ole pair of Levis or Wranglers? Jeans aren’t supposed to turn your legs purple from lack of blood flow, they are meant to be comfortable and roomy enough to keep your wallet and pocketknife you also may be carrying. What is wrong with y’all? 

I have come to believe that the skinny, tight fitting pant revolution started in Europe and pulled a Christopher Columbus and ended up in the U.S. of A. I say go back to France with all those catwalks, fashion shows and bad facial hair. We left Europe for a reason people. I am a rather short and stocky guy, and nothing irks me more than to walk into Belk looking for a pair of dress pants or a new suit and to see all these slim fit flat front little pants that I know should be illegal.  What happened to the good ole cuffs and the pleats? I want to buy a nice suit but all the pants are way too tight. If I cannot bend down without my legs feeling like they are on the verge of amputation, it goes right back on the rack for some other poor unsuspecting victim to try on. All these Yankee men’s fashion experts up in places like New York need to realize that down here in the south we still like to work outside and we might be on the bigger side and can’t wear jeans made for limited movement.

Lets get something straight, this is America, this isn’t France. And in America, especially here in Dixie, we like to eat. Therefore no one should be running around in these skintight “slim fit” suits. I walked around the courtroom in Orangeburg and all these young attorneys with their skinny little suit pants come up to me and try to give me a job to do, and my typical response is, 

“I wont listen to you until you take those stupid leggings off and put on some real pants.” Some loose, regular fitting pants. Jeans and pants aren’t meant to show off your ass guys, they are meant to be comfortable and durable. 

Tell me friend, how you are going to change the tire on your Prius when your pants won’t even allow you to bend down low enough to turn the wrench? You just going do it in the nude? Well, if you are driving a Prius you probably don’t know how to change a tire anyway, and you probably also voted for Bernie Sanders, but that is a different article for a different day.