When I was a freshman in college, I kicked a man out of bed.

The night itself was one of those sticky, uncomfortably hot ones, and Clemson House has never been famous for its air conditioning. We knew each other only briefly, less than two feet from the ceiling in my lofted bed. In the end, I told him what I think every woman should have the right to say to a bed partner: it’s not doing anything for me, I’ll finish by myself.

And I think it says a lot about how sexually frustrated I was, that I gave up a real lover in favor of a vibrator that would never disappoint. But more than that, it was a wakeup call when it comes to hookups. As a sexually confident woman, I needed to take control of what made me feel good. 

Listen ladies, some of these guys are inexperienced, ignorant, or just plain bad at sex. If you let them, they’ll flop around on top of you like a dying fish and finish before you can even establish a rhythm. They might know how to kiss and smile and talk just right to turn you on, but they only vaguely understand the female orgasm, and have only ever touched a clitoris by accident. 

And honestly, I got tired of letting that be enough for me in the bedroom.

So at 18, I decided that I would never have bad sex again. I would be as sexually dominant as I wanted to let a man know exactly what made me feel good and what didn’t do it for me. And I would never turn back.

And I know nobody likes to talk about that kind of stuff — it’s awkward, it makes us feel like maybe our way of getting off is too complicated or not good enough. But the truth is, if your bed partner doesn’t want to please you, doesn’t want you to have a good time, you’re being taken advantage of. 

Odds are, they want to make this one for the books, and they’re willing to take some simple direction, or even assistance. 

Sex is what you make it, and that means being an active participant and telling someone what you like and what you don’t can drastically change the outcome. I know plenty of people who find hookups to be a gamble, with the most likely outcome being partial satisfaction and maybe someone to cuddle for the evening. But it can be so much more than that. 

To be totally honest, since taking control of my own sexuality, my own desires, I’ve felt some things and made some noises I had no idea were possible. 

And in the end, it made my partner feel like ruler of the world, and me like I’ve just had a great run. You know, if I enjoyed running. 

So next time you jump into bed, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what makes you tick. Stop having disappointing sex, because life is too short not to reach your orgasm.

Now, go forth, and conquer.

XOXO,

Connie Lingus