Students with their heads in the clouds will soon have more clouds than they could possibly hope for, as University Facilities announced on Friday that a vaping section will be added to the fourth-floor bathrooms in Cooper Library.
In an effort to cater to the wants and needs of the student body, the hallowed halls of Cooper Library will soon have a new policy authorizing nicotine vaporizer use in campus bathrooms, with additions to make vaping easier and more convenient for students.
Following groundbreaking and ill-reported research that nicotine consumption can significantly boost focus and memory by offering an alternative to conventional stimulants like caffeine, the policy comes as a surprise to many.
“We are always striving to meet and exceed the diverse interests of our students, as well as to create an environment that promotes effective learning,” declared Wobert Rells, chief facilities officer at Clemson.
“By introducing vaping to the bathrooms in the library, we are not only encouraging an atmosphere of education, but we are also fostering a very healthy addiction within the halls of Cooper Library.”
Skeptics of the addition have raised concerns about the University supporting a potentially dangerous chemical dependence. However, what these non-believers have yet to consider is that they are potentially being very lame and uncool.
The proposed vaping sections to be added to both bathrooms on the fourth floor will include state-of-the-art ventilation systems to whisk away any lingering clouds, as well as a charging station to make sure students always have fresh juice in their devices.
On the topic of juice, the POD market on the same floor will also start selling a variety of vaping devices, as well as refills for all the popular flavors. Included in the lineup is an exclusive “Tiger’s Blood” flavor, which is sure to excite students all across campus and increase school spirit.
Clemson University has long prided itself on innovation and breaking boundaries and hopes to see other institutions of higher learning following their lead. The addition is expected to open on April 20.
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
