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Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan is so good at his job that the big leagues are now trying to poach him; pictured at the National Championship in December talking with Cristiano Ronaldo, who flew out just to watch him coach.

Clemson United coach receives interest from European soccer clubs

Griggin Garfield, Ass Balls Editor April 1, 2024

Following his recent success at the American collegiate level, rumors are swirling that Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan has begun receiving interest from several professional European clubs. Thanks...

With the drinking age downtown changed to 18, all Clemson students will be able to indulge in sweet treats downtown.

City police lowers drinking age in downtown bars to 18

Popstarpepe, Groupie #8 April 1, 2024

The city of Clemson Police Department has decided to change the legal drinking age in all local downtown Clemson bars to 18 years old. After various complaints from Mr. Wein regarding the loss of profit,...

Clemson head coach Dabo Swinney is ready to use the transfer portal for his program after being against the excessive use throughout his career.

Dabo is ‘all in’ on the transfer portal

Jose Zarrapoopie, Groupie #8 April 1, 2024

Ever since the introduction of the transfer portal in October 2018, many major collegiate athletic programs have pivoted to prioritize this method of acquiring players. Clemson has infamously not been...

Thanks to his petite 6-foot-1, 230-pound frame, running back Phil Mafah has been tabbed as a specialist for the future mens gymnastics team.

Clemson announces inaugural men’s gymnastics team

Kylie Brochard, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

The Clemson athletic department has announced its intention to establish a men’s gymnastics program following the success of the women’s team this year. This establishment would be the 16th NCAA...

Littlejohn Coliseum is set to host the gladiator-style brawl between Clemson and the University of Second Choice.

Coaches gladiator brawl to settle SC rivalry once and for all

Post Malone, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

One of the best in-state rivalries in college sports is finally going to be settled once and for all: the legendary battle between Clemson and the University of Second Choice. This will be determined not...

Clemson will reinstate the Wendys at 1 Bryan Circle.

Clemson to bring back on-campus Wendy’s

Kelly Kardashian, Ass. Balls Editor April 1, 2024

As you may have noticed in your recent walks around campus, Peppino’s Pizzeria is currently undergoing construction. While many believe this is a standard operation (because what’s more standard in...

Analysts have been watching the stock market carefully in wake of recent recessions caused by Clemson football.

Stock market crashes; Clemson football to pay out

Dixie Normous, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

“The stock market is crashing,” head coach and Federal Reserve Board Chair Dabo Swifty announced ahead of the upcoming Clemson football spring game. Following last November’s upset win over Notre...

The first floor has been haunted due to student nightmares of exams and late nights.

Cooper Library shut down after Ghostbusters search haunted first floor

Sparky Parky, Professional Liar April 1, 2024

Due to a recent resurgence in stories of formerly possessed students, Clemson has shut down Cooper Library so the Ghostbusters can investigate paranormal activity on the basement floor. The basement...

Taylor Swift to join Travis Kelce on visit to Clemson football

Inez Betty James, Groupie #4 April 1, 2024

On Friday, Dabo Swinney announced that Taylor Swift’s boyfriend will visit Clemson Football to talk to the team. Shortly after, it was announced that Swift would also be joining him on his visit to the...

Shipley knows the sky is the limit for him, leading to his recent decision to flip to the quarterback position.

Will Shipley redeclares for draft as quarterback

Mike Oxlong, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

In a stunning turn of events at the 2024 NFL Combine, Clemson running back Will Shipley decided to try his hand at quarterbacking. Known for his lightning-fast speed and elusive moves on the field, Shipley...

Creating flat land in areas such as the Douthit steps would be a much-appreciated change to campus.

There’s something in these hills, hopefully cement

Olweis Wright, Facts Editor April 1, 2024

Clemson’s charm and culture since its founding have seemed to revolve around its natural beauty and rolling hills. In fact, one of Clemson’s most well-known slogans is “There’s something in these...

The Tiger is fed up with the complaining of students under the rouse of asking for advice.

Tiger’s Last Straw: ‘How do I cope with finding out my friend is not who I thought they were?’

Olweis Wright, Facts Editor April 1, 2024

“How do I cope with finding out my friend is not who I thought they were?” A student who obviously doesn’t have common sense or the personality to make any actual friends of value. And you know...

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