We are so dangerously close to Spring Break, I can taste it. I mean literally taste it, and it tastes like sweat from last-minute gym workouts (someone didn’t follow his or her New Year’s resolution) and procrastination.
If you’re like me and are too financially irresponsible to spend money on trips to the biggest beach locations in the nation, you’re lucky. But we all don’t get that luxury. Secret time: it’s taken me 20 years of my life to actually go somewhere for spring break. And whether your reasoning is financial issues or social skills worse than a quiz bowl geek (me in high school), missing out on an out-of-Clemson spring break doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. I would know — there were times where I called on the world to end because I couldn’t go anywhere. Regardless, here’s a few things you should do while everyone’s soaking up the skin cancer sun rays at the beach.
1. Netflix…OUTSIDE: Everyone always says Netflix, but I’m going to add a new element to it. Why watch “Tarzan” in your stuffy house when you could watch “Tarzan” in the wild. By wild I of course mean, your backyard in suburbia. But to be honest, that’s a dangerous place, too. There are dads who wear opened-toed sandals, socks and ugly jeans, all intentionally. That’s scary.
2. Get chocolate-wasted: People usually spend half of their spring breaks drinking, with the other half slumped over a toilet with a hangover. By getting chocolate-wasted, you get the feelings of a buzz without the puking afterwards. That is unless you are a lightweight, in which case, Weeny Hut Juniors should be open this spring break.
3. Text your ex: Another element of spring break that entices people are the flings. No matter how far it gets, people are always looking for that someone to get their hormones pumping and their hearts racing. Why don’t you do that by texting your ex? You get the thrill of a “teenage dream,” without having to actually follow through. Double points if they played you to begin with. Take #wastetheirtime2017 to a whole new level!
4. Tweet about the nothing you’re doing: The best part about spring break is getting to gloat to your friends about how much of your parents’ money you decided to blow to have a one week trip. If you’re doing nothing, that really cramps the ability to gloat. However, you should still tweet. Why? Because in seven days when everyone asks you what you did during the break, you just tell them to hit up your profile.
5. Cry: This one sounds negative, but hear me out. According to a statistic I made up, the average college student cries about four times every semester, a number which is amplified during finals. If you get your crying over with, maybe you won’t have to worry about it anymore.
6. Kill the sun: The sun honestly thinks it’s so great — providing those kids who are on actual trips with fun and enjoyment. What if it weren’t a thing anymore? Find the sun’s location and physically fight it until it succumbs to your will. You don’t have to be sad about spring break if spring is no longer a season.
7. Pet sit for your friends and then steal said pet’s love away from them: This one is self-explanatory. If your friends are going to have fun without you, then screw them. Take your friend’s dog and make it your new best friend. Make sure to rub it in your friend’s face when they come back. Continue the action until the pet makes the conscious decision to follow you around. If your friend isn’t in tears, you haven’t done a proper job.
8. Steal your parents’ money: If they had been born rich, then you would’ve had enough money to go on spring break. You have every right to steal money from them. Give them no mercy. Steal enough to force them to remortgage their house. If they don’t have a house, steal enough for them to have to sell their car.
9. Immediately end your relationship with your friends: If they cared about you, they wouldn’t have had fun without you. You’re the Kim to their Kourtney and Khloe, not the other way around. Immediately block them. If they ask what the issue is, call them inconsiderate for not already knowing and leave. You’re not being overdramatic; they’re being under-dramatic.
10. Single-handedly end spring break: This should’ve been step one, but since you’re such a good person, you waited until things got wall-watching levels of boring. Write a letter to everyone. Literally everyone, none of them specific people, asking them to cancel spring break. When it’s done, have a sense of entitlement knowing you killed a week. Put it on your resume and collect your fortune in fun-crushing. You’ve done it: you’ve survived spring break.