Everyone has heard of the Pilgrims: the brave voyagers who crossed the Atlantic in search of religious freedom in the New World. But few have heard the untold story of the Pilgrims’ struggles in their early years. Let us turn back the years and delve into this hidden truth that has lain hidden for so long.
To make it simple: the Pilgrims were socialists, time travel was invented by the government in the 1960s and we are currently living in an alternate timeline. Let me explain.
The Pilgrims landed in America in late 1620. The charter they had originally signed with English investors dictated that all profits and products created by the Pilgrims in their first seven years would go into a “common stock.” The governor would then redistribute only as much as needed for each family. Everything left over at the end of the seven years would then be divided evenly amongst the Pilgrims.
If you look at how the Mayflower Compact established the colony as a democracy and the communal work and sharing of the newly-established colony, it’s a basic example of early socialism.
Here’s the theory going forward. The Pilgrims continued to work and live using this method of self-governing. Many of them died in their early years, but they managed to survive until more settlers arrived in the following years. The different settlements that developed up and down the east coast in the following years also developed as socialist communes because they were all under similar contracts as the Pilgrims.
It was business as usual until early 1792, when the newly-unified American colonies took inspiration from the French Revolution and had a revolution of their own. In doing this, they freed themselves from the old ideals of the English investing companies and finally became the democratic republic that we know and love today.
Fast-forwarding to 1991, we saw the end of the USSR. The U.S. government had previously invented time traveling technology in the 1960s. It was using the example of the USSR as a sort of experiment to see if socialism could still work where the American colonies had failed. With the collapse of the socialist state, it was definitely proven that socialism was not a viable form of government. The U.S. government then decided that it was probably in its best interest to utilize the time-traveling technology and send someone back to the 1620s and right the wrongs of yesteryear.
A woman, now known in history as Alice Southworth, was sent back to the year 1623 and arrived at Plymouth via the Anne, so as to not arouse suspicion. Alice became close to the governor of Plymouth, William Bradford, in order to suggest the idea to him that a capitalist society would be more sustaining for the Plymouth inhabitants. Bradford must have believed Alice because not only was the old communal idea thrown out and a “work for yourself” system instated, but Alice later became Bradford’s wife.
In changing this crucial part of the Pilgrims’ history, the suffering and death that had previously plagued the colony was reduced to only a few years instead of over a decade. Since capitalism, the new law of the land, allowed the colonies to prosper early and for longer, the Revolutionary War was able to be financed and organized at the early date of 1776.
To sum it up, we are currently living in an alternate timeline because the U.S. government of 1991 sent a woman back to 1623 to woo the Plymouth governor into abolishing socialism and instating capitalism, thereby allowing the American Revolution to happen 16 years earlier. I think it was for the best.
NOTE: This article is fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and views of The Tiger. It is for humor purposes only.