2018 has come to a close and, this past year, I saw many movies I believe will go down as cinematic achievements. This list is not about those movies. This list is about the movies that I hated with a burning passion. All of these movies are terrible and should be destroyed. As an added bonus, I’ll suggest an alternative movie to watch instead for some of these crimes against humanity that dared not be called movies.
10. “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom”
Recently, a lot of movie franchises have tried to restart themselves, only to be stopped at the second film in their reinvigorated franchise. “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” is no exception to this. This is a movie that sought to reinvent its franchise. While that wasn’t the worst idea, in the process it forgot what made the original movie so memorable. The “Jurassic Park” franchise is grounded in the idea of man overstepping its relationship with nature. While that is a central theme in “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom,” the execution fell flat. Instead of being a warning on the dangers of genetic engineering, it became a warning about the military industrial complex, a theme which never felt at home within the film. The characters are caricatures of previous “Jurassic Park” characters, and they feel almost like parodies. The change of setting from the island of Isla Nublar to a mansion is commendable for being something new, but it quickly becomes stale. The volcanic eruption subplot is quickly forgotten, which is unfortunate, since a ticking tock plotline would have worked well in this movie. By the end, there is an utter indifference for the characters and the actors playing them, with the exception of Chris Pratt who manages to remain a professional throughout. This movie doesn’t ruin the past films in the Jurassic Park franchise, but it leaves the franchise in a position where I have become uninterested in its future. The series has lost its once potent cinematic magic and has instead become a cheap imitation of itself that attempts to appeal to the unintelligent masses.
Alternative movie: “Tammy and the T-Rex”
9. “Death of a Nation: Can We Save America a Second Time?”
I want to make a note before going into this segment that the inclusion of this “movie” is not politically motivated. “Death of a Nation” is included on this list because not only does it not advocate its position in an effective manner, but it almost feels like a parody of itself. In one scene, there was a “montage” of protests and riots.The shots of rioters were clearly taken directly from Youtube, since the full screen button and time position were present in the shot. In addition, the videos were pixelated and for a split second, the video started buffering. Dinesh also makes outlandish statements to “prove” his point and comes off as a delusional conspiracy theorist. The movie goes from delusional to unintentionally humorous near the end when a little girl appears on screen to sing “America the Beautiful.” It shocks me that this movie was made on our planet, because I assume Dinesh D’Souza has seen a movie before and would know that this is absolutely not the way to make a movie.
An alternative: “Battleship Potemkin” and/or “South Park: Stunning and Brave”
8. “The Nun”
Jump scares are not scary. They temporarily shock, and then the effect wears off. Jump scares are even less scary when they’re shown in the trailer, thus spoiling the anticipated jump scare in the movie itself. “The Nun” was very guilty of this. All of the non-jump scares in “The Nun” have been done in superior films (including the first two “Conjuring” films), and the movie offers nothing new except for a migraine. What’s really infuriating is that this movie had so much potential. The character Valak brought a new spin on evil in this franchise, yet her role and terror is greatly reduced in this movie. I will continue to see and be excited by the main entries in the Conjuring franchise, but the spin-offs have lost their appeal at this point.
Alternative movie: “Hereditary”
7. “Fifty Shades Freed”
What can I say about this “movie” and its franchise that hasn’t already been said? Nothing. It sucked, and not much more needs to be said, but honestly the biggest gripe that I had was that I didn’t get laid after seeing it.
An alternative: Pornhub offers a fine selection of videos. I’m sure that you will find more love, passion and eroticism on that website than anywhere in the Fifty Shades of Awfulness franchise.
6. “Hellfest”
Being in the actual realm of Hell would be a more enjoyable experience than having to rewatch this ingrown toenail of a “movie.” I honestly don’t know what more to say about how much this movie is just plain awful. A common theme in this list is that I often want the characters in these movies dead. This movie is no exception. The character Taylor infuriated me the most with her annoying personality and stupid antics. Everytime she is on screen is like having a sharp, hot spike shoved into my right foot. She was thankfully decapitated, so at least there’s a happy ending there. The only silver lining in this movie is that it accomplished for me what “Fifty Shades Freed” didn’t. *raises hand to receive numerous high fives*
Alternative movie: “Halloween” (either the original one or the 2018 one)
5. “Unfriended: Dark Web”
You didn’t see this movie and you didn’t miss anything.
An alternative: Go on Chatroulette and see what happens. Seriously, when was the last time anyone went on there? I don’t even know, is it still around?
4. “Aquaman”
Ironically, watching “Aquaman” feels like you’re being waterboarded. The story is told poorly and out of order, resulting in a confusing and convoluted plot. “Aquaman” fails where “Thor” and “Black Panther” succeeded. Those movies immediately established their respective universes, but “Aquaman” focused more on explaining Arthur Curry’s backstory in lieu of immediately revealing the world of Atlantis. While this could have worked for the movie, it comes off as unfulfilling and confusing as the viewer has to attempt to make sense of the world that they find themselves watching. The battle scenes were large, flashy and lacked any emotion, as there didn’t appear to be any immediate danger to the surface world.
To top it all off, the acting wasn’t that great either. Jason Momoa’s performance is decent, but it’s nothing groundbreaking or particularly memorable. However, his performance wasn’t insulting, unlike Amber Heard, who appears to be reading off the script as the camera was rolling. She lacks any emotion in her acting, and every time she is on screen, the movie slows down to a near halt as it attempts to fix itself around her pitiful acting.This movie was a mess, boring and just one more failed attempt for DC to catch up to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
An alternative: “Entourage” Season 3, episode 2
3. “Robin Hood”
“Robin Hood” stole from the average idiotic moviegoer and gave to itself. It was a boring attempt to “modernize” the Robin Hood tale, despite the fact that the movie is set during the Crusades. The movie feels like it was written by a disgruntled, blacklisted communist, and the costumes look like they were sewn by a former Abercrombie employee. I wanted every character in this movie dead. No one is likable, not even the incredibly talented and charismatic Jamie Foxx (who is merely phoning in a performance under the assurance that regardless of how the film does at the box office, he will receive upwards of $1 million for his role). The shitty plot and bad acting could be forgiven if the action was exciting, however, with the exclusion of a training sequence that lasts for about six minutes, there isn’t anything of interest in the robbery scenes. It looks like a counterfeit version of “300”, except with even less realistic and emotionally-invested fights. It was with all of this that “Robin Hood” sought to be “Batman Begins,” but instead it became “Batman and Robin.” I was in both physical and emotional pain throughout this “movie,” and while I cannot prove it, I believe that this “movie” gave me a hernia. Its one saving grace is that since it was set in the 1200s, it is likely that many of these characters died painfully due to the spread of the Bubonic plague.
Alternative movie: “Robin Hood” (2010)
2. “Pacific Rim: Uprising”
The original “Pacific Rim” is a terrific homage to the giant monster and robot movies that have entertained the world since the 1950s. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” is an attempt to shove as much crap and plot twists into a movie in order to make the audience think that something is happening. Looking past the lackluster battles, the cringe-worthy dialogue and the bizarre directions that the plot goes in, the most glaring problem with this movie is the protagonists. Within most movies, protagonists should be people that the audience can relate to, and therefore support in their quest. While this isn’t true for all movies, it has proven to work well within the sci-fi/fantasy genre. Therefore, a movie has failed when the audience becomes uninterested in the well-being of its protagonists. “Pacific Rim: Uprising” took this further by not only presenting boring and unrelatable characters I had no interest in, but it caused me to actively root against the protagonists. I hated every character in this movie, and the ideal ending would have been the complete destruction of the planet so that all of the characters would have died along with it. When I find myself wanting every character to die in a horrific and violent manner on screen, then I know that I have mental problems and the “movie” has infuriating characters.
Alternative movie: “Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow”
1. “Father of the Year”
OnAugust 16, 2018 I watched “Father of the Year,” and I can decisively say that there will never be larger insult to the human race, and really all of life in general than this turd. This “movie” takes Happy Madison’s awfulness to uncharted territory. There were no jokes, just merely people saying expletives with the expectation of a laugh. The experience of watching this movie can be equated to smashing a mirror with your unprotected fist and then proceeding to roll around naked in the glass shards of that mirror while the glass is simultaneously heated up to melting temperature. David Spade, a very funny man and a gifted stand up comedian, has hit a new career low in this movie. Not just for himself, but for all actors anywhere (I really want to make it clear how funny he is! Please make better movies David Spade! I will even defend the first “Grown Ups” movie as being decent, but please stop wasting your talent!). He carries this “film,” and every time he speaks it is like listening to nails on chalkboards mixed with the clubbing of a baby seal and microphone feedback.
I don’t actually think there was a script for this “movie,” and instead they got a group of actors together and told them to make up a story as they went along. One of the saddest aspects of this “movie” is that David Spade is the biggest star in this “movie.” An even sadder fact is that the second biggest star is Bridgit Mendler. The one positive thing that I can say about this “film” is that in the small chance that it had a writer and director, it should inspire confidence in anyone who is aspiring to work in the movie industry. Seriously, if this “movie” was made you can do anything that you want. I hate this “movie” and I pray that global warming or any other man-made disaster destroys human civilization so that this movie will be forever forgotten.
Alternative movie: “Freddy Got Fingered”