2017 has ended, and with it, so have the careers of many powerful men in Hollywood. However, no matter their accomplishments or failures, I can assure you that nothing they did was worse than any of the movies on this list. If you had fun with any of these movies with the exception of #4 and #1, (if you like them, please seek medical treatment) then that’s great, but this is my take on the worst movies of 2017.
5. “Downsizing”
If there was an award for most-wasted movie premise, it would go to Downsizing. What a fun idea: humanity now has the ability to be shrunk down to a couple inches tall. How will that work for the people who do it? The first 30 minutes of this movie showed promise with the development of the shrinking device and why humanity needed it. It showed the effect that the shrinking had on society and both the benefits and detriments of being shrunk. In fact, the only problems that the film faces at first it its ambition. It fails to define itself as a comedy or a drama, which plants the seed for problems later in the movie.
After Matt Damon’s character is shrunk, the movie does nothing with to develop that. All of the jokes and problems that the characters get themselves in are problems that would have happened whether they are small or not. Despite that, the movie attempts to tell a few jokes, all of which fall flat.
The movie then takes an incredibly depressing turn by focusing on society’s ignorance towards people’s suffering and then promptly ends. While I detest this movie, I would like this premise to be reused and turned into a better movie with a clearer idea of what it wants to be.
4. “Transformers: The Last Knight”
If you have ever been hit in the face with a shovel, then you know what it feels like to watch Transformers: The Last Knight. Nothing more needs to be said.
3. “Fifty Shades Darker”
Fifty Shades Darker is like having sex with someone whom you’re really unattracted to. Ironically, if you want to have sex with someone, do not show them this movie or any movie in this abomination of a franchise.
Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have the chemistry of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton during a debate. They are simply two terrible actors reading Twilight fanfiction, and it feels like two terrible actors reading Twilight fanfiction. I cannot emphasize enough how miserable this movie is. If you take a date to this movie, do not be surprised when they break up with you 30 minutes in.
2. “The Emoji Movie”
Just imagine the poop emoji like 40 times.
1. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” (or better yet, “Dead Men Make Better Movies Than This”)
“Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” was not only the worst movie that I saw in 2017, it was the absolute worst movie that I have ever seen in my entire life. This is the worst movie ever made, acts as an insult to all of the progress that mankind has made in its short period of existence.
This movie made me angry, angry at my decision to see it, angry at Johnny Depp’s pitiful acting and angry that mouth-breathing morons have contributed to this movie’s $700 million box office return and even more angry that I was one of those suckers who paid to see this abomination.
Everything I loved about the first two movies is gone in this hammer to the head. Captain Jack Sparrow is a tired-out and unoriginal character, part of which is because of the fact that Johnny Depp has been playing the same character in every movie he has been in since 2003. Johnny Depp’s performance in this excrement-coated movie reinforces that he is a hack fraud who is purely interested in money and couldn’t care less about making a quality movie for his devoted fan base.
The movie had a forced romance between the two most unlikable characters ever in a movie, with the possible exception of Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan. Not only do I advocate that you should not see this movie, I suggest that you petition the International Court system in the Netherlands to hold the cast and crew of the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean guilty for crimes against humanity. Lock them up!
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Five movie fails of 2017
By: Jon Walsh, Contributor
January 22, 2018
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