When election season was in full swing, a rumor began circulating that Texas junior senator, Ted Cruz, was really the infamous Zodiac Killer. This conspiracy theory was illegitimate, childish and misguided, but not because Cruz is the honest gold ol’ Texan boy he claims to be; it’s because Ted Cruz is actually Robert Kardashian Sr.
Ted Cruz was born to his parents Rafael and Eleanor Cruz on Dec. 22, 1970, and served as a political advisor to George W. Bush’s presidential campaign in 2000. However, in 2003 he was mysteriously murdered right around the time that Robert Kardashian Sr. “died of esophageal cancer.” Kardashian wanted desperately to escape the Jenner-Kardashian drama and his hen-pecking wife, so he faked his death and underwent major plastic surgery to assume the identity of newly-appointed Texas Solicitor General, Ted Cruz.
The real Ted Cruz worked for the Bush legal team before his appointment, but was intercepted and murdered before he could report to his post. Kardashian then assumed his identity.
And the role was perfect for him. As a lawyer, Kardashian-now-Cruz would not have to worry about ‘faking it until he made it’ because he and the old Cruz were of the same profession. All he would have to do is become familiar with the bylaws of the great state of Texas. But still there was one more issue to take care of: Heidi.
Ted Cruz married Heidi Nelson in 2001, but it is believed that Kardashian paid off Cruz’s Goldman Sachs investment manager wife to go along with the whole charade. With his in-depth legal knowledge, governmental standing in Texas and the support of his “wife,” Robert Kardashian Sr. had everything he needed to assume Cruz’s identity without issue, and he did.
Missing the limelight from the 1995 O.J. Simpson trial, Kardashian-Cruz ran for U.S. Senate in 2013 as a Republican and won. But junior senator was not enough for Kardashian-Cruz, he wanted to be the most sought-after person on the planet, the president of the United States. With his widespread legal and political connections, the support of the freedom caucus in addition to his wife’s financial aid, the new Cruz was poised to win the White House. But then life threw him a curveball: reality TV host and real estate mogul, Donald J. Trump.
As Trump descended the escalator in New York City to announce his bid for 2016, Kardashian’s hopes of becoming president descended into the dark pits of hell. No matter how hard he fought and campaigned, Trump was louder. Trump drew more attention and drew more support from voters. Kardashian was left to mud wrestle Marco Rubio for second place.
In a poetic twist of fate, it was the world of reality TV: senseless drama and incoherent babbling–the world of his children and ex-wife–that defeated Kardashian as he strove for the spotlight, as it continued to reside on Trump, Kris, Kim, Kendall, Khloe and Kourtney, and leave him alone in Texas.