The Student News Site of Clemson University

The Tiger

The Tiger

The Tiger

Steve Irwin: the GPA hunter

In light of the discovery of a new and extremely rare vertebrate mammal, I, Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter, have decided to come out of hiding and announce that I am in fact not dead and that stingrays are excellent actors; who knew? Well they are astonishing creatures. I mean crikey we had ‘em all fooled mate. 

Back to me original point: I’m in the rural upstate of South Carolina, on the campus of Clemson University, where there is a creature so rare that it can only be found out in the open twice a year: right before Christmas and right before summer. And what a beaut of a mammal this is! (Although the stress of final exams, papers and delirium from lack of sleep can have a humongous affect on their appearance!). It’s the finals beast. Crikey! 

This is one of the meanest and most dangerous creatures I’ve ever encountered! It is rumored they cause up to a few hundred stress breakdowns on college campuses a year. But man,what a magnificent creature to be seen in its natural habitat! 

Join me as we try to get a good look at this beaut up close. They can be found only in the Cooper Library, and usually begin to make their presence known towards the end of each college semester. They develope into full maturity around the Monday of finals week. 

The temperament of these foul beasts can range from ornery to downright bloodthirsty, so I’m going to need some help with this one from Terri! 

We’ll be traveling deep into the lair of these beasts and attempt to relocate one into a more natural habitat: the Clemson experimental forest. This setting will allow the beast to roam, scream and and howling about professors as much as it wishes without any human interaction. 

As we enter the library, we do so stealthily and with extreme caution. We don’t want to disturb any of the animals as they are getting their daily dose of finals cramming, stress and headaches. 

This is necessary for their survival. But crikey! Look at that Sheila! 

As we are maneuvering through the library, with tranquilizer, stun gun and net in hand, I’m admiring the beauty of these incredibly dangerous animals and their many MacBooks, empty soda bottles and cookout trays. Mother Nature is such a beautiful woman!

We have reached the first floor of Cooper, where the most dangerous and unpredictable beasts lurk in one place. 

Although around the third floor, one milder beast appeared from the stairwell and mistook my arm for a foot-long sub. 

Crikey! You have got to stay on your toes with these things! Danger! Danger! Dangaer! 

As Terri and I slither our way through the jungle of bookshelves, which encompasses the first floor, we spot a prime candidate for our experiment. The subspecies of a wild ZTA! What a beaut this finals beast is! 

It is extremely tricky to get a clear shot with the tranquillizer, as she is surrounded by a wild herd of frat guys, another subspecies of finals beast that can be extremely aggressive. What dangerous Blokes! 

We don’t want to let them on to the fact that we are attempting to relocate this female, as this would really set them off. I don’t want to risk me or my wife being stoned to death with Busch Light cans! I can’t help but notice the smell surrounding these beasts; I don’t think any off them have bathed for weeks! Crikey! 

As I set up with the tranquillizer, I just cannot seem to get a clear shot. 

I take one anyway, with the hopes of being able to provide at least one finals beast a better life. But I miss! 

They spotted us! What danger! We make a break for it, being chased by wild beasts of every shape and size. Crikey! 

What an adrenaline rush! We bust up the stairwell, the second, the third and finally the fourth floor! Freedom! We could see the door to safety, but the beasts are hot on our tails! We dive for it and barely make it out alive!Crikey! 

I’ve never been so happy to be on library-bridge in my life! I’ve come away with a greater sense of thankfulness for being alive. I suppose there are some beasts even too dangerous for the Crocodile Hunter to tackle! I would stay well away from the library this week. Danger! Danger! Danger!

Leave a Comment
Donate to The Tiger

Your donation will support the student journalists of Clemson University . Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
Donate to The Tiger

Comments (0)

All The Tiger Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *