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Humor: Trump’s ‘America’

Courtesy of Gage Skidmore, Flickr

So it seems that the next president of the United States is going to be Donald Trump, who is due to take office in January. To put it simply, America is in an uproar. Trump supporters are furiously celebrating, and Hillary supporters are furiously rioting. So the question of the day is: what will the United States of Trump look like? Well, as far as I can tell, there are two ways that it could go: really, really great, or really, really bad. And it depends on whom you ask.
For starters, everyone will be unimaginably wealthy. Trump has said that he is ready to take on the incredibly daunting challenge that is the current U. S. economy. Assuming he keeps his word, the national debt will be repaid (at least partially) and America will flourish. If there is no more debt, then it can be presumed that people will be able to keep money that they would have previously had to use to service their debt. If no one has to spend any more money, then everyone is rich! Presto, everyone’s a millionaire!
Now the topic that everyone always associates with Trump: the wall. Trump’s wall will definitely be effective at fulfilling its task: keeping those damn Canadians out. Not only will those maple syrup-loving Eskimos no longer be able to sneak into the country and steal our jobs, but all those people that said they would move to Canada after the election will be trapped! Nobody loses!
On the other hand, Trump’s vision of America may not actually be compatible with the reality of modern America and everything could go south. Trump talked a lot about ending trade inequalities with China. Since pretty much everything in America is made by China (including American flags, how ironic), if Trump cuts international ties, America won’t have any goods. If we don’t have any goods and can’t mobilize fast enough, America will probably enter a second Great Depression. Personally, I really don’t want to have to hunt or grow my own food. I have absolutely no idea how to grow Pop-Tarts or hunt hot dogs.
Now suppose things under Trump get REALLY bad. Maybe China didn’t like Trump severing trade ties. Maybe they get a little handsy with the nukes. I hope America doesn’t get turned into a large smoking crater in the earth. But maybe that would be better than something like the Fallout franchise happening after World War III is begun.
Hopefully college will save us from a draft.
But anyway, no matter the outcome of Trump becoming the supreme leader of one of the most powerful countries in the world, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Probably.

*This article is completely fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of The Tiger, nor its staff. It is for humor purposes only.*

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