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CU Classifieds: The coach with the dragon tattoo

Courtesy of Brian Tomlinson via Flickr

Are you great at art? Do you feel obligated to show the world? Do you define yourself as “rugged”? Then we have the job for you!
Head Football Coach Dabo Swinney is looking for a tattoo artist and you can fill those probably leather-strapped shoes.
“To be the best, you gotta act the best,” said an impassioned Swinney. “And sometimes, you have to take a few risks to stand out from the crowd.”
So how does he intend to do that?
“I think a dragon tattoo would really set me apart from those other punk coaches,” Swinney said. “Nick Saban? More like Nick Lame-ban after I get this ‘too done.”
The coach said that he wants the dragon to be across his back, breathing fire at all of his enemies.
“I hope Jimbo Fischer, Bob Stoops and Bobby Petrino like getting tan, because my dragon tattoo is going to make sure that they look as orange as Donald Trump’s face.”
So far, Swinney has a few names for the dragon.
“I’ve narrowed it down to Scorcher, Beast or Cady from ‘Mean Girls.’ I want its name to be badass, because I’m badass — you don’t get the name Dabo arbitrarily.”
Now that he’s settled the logistics of his tattoo, Swinney is looking for a tattoo artist from among the ranks of Clemson students.
“I only do things within the Clemson Family, regardless of skill level, logical sense or convenience: Tigers only. Hell, I even asked an actual tiger.”
“I would tattoo Dabo,” said the one kid who wanted to attend Juilliard but is at Clemson. “But Dabo’s too mainstream. Maybe if he were a Steve Spurrier or a Will Muschamp, I’d do it.”
“Hell yeah I would,” said the fan who cries every time Dabo gives a speech. “He’s a precious treasure and I get to touch him, so that’s good enough for me.”
When asked if she had any experience in tattooing, her response was “. . . What? I thought I was giving him a massage.”
However, not everyone was on board with Dabo’s plan.
“Dragon tattoos do not convey the ideas of this university,” said Almeda Jacks. “It’s like he trying to make us a top 100 university instead of a top 15.”
“I think he’s going through a rebellious phase,” said President Clements. “It’s a lot of pressure being as good a coach and dancer as he is. I just think it’s getting to him.”
“It’s not a phase, Jimmy!” said Swinney upon hearing Clements’ comment. “Can’t a man just get a cool dragon tat without having inner turmoil?”
A few of Swinney’s players have also voiced some concern.
“His cool dad vibe is getting a little too extreme,” said Deshaun Watson. “I wished I’d never taught him how to whip and nae nae.”
“He should get his swag tips from me,” said Ben Boulware, who wanted to be referred to as Ben-Z. “Pizza parties? Tattoos? That’s some weak stuff, man. Drinking from a trophy? MVP status.”
How much does it pay to become Dabo’s tattoo artist?
“All the pizza you want,” Swinney said. “But only Papa John’s, because out of all the pizza chains in existence, they own us.”
“Also, I’ll teach you how to do the whip OR nae nae, but not both.”
Swinney also plans to have a tattoo party in Death Valley.
“Rain or shine, a dragon WILL be tattooed on mine and everyone’s back,” Swinney said. “ESPN will be there to film it, it’ll be, as my boys say, ‘lit.’”
“He can’t do that,” Clements said. “At least I don’t think he can do that, I don’t know, that’s not my job.”
Applications can be found in your local Papa John’s. Consider making a lasting contribution to the Clemson Family today.

*Note: This article is completely fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of The Tiger, nor its staff. It is for humorous purposes only.*

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