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CU Classifieds: Squirrel hunter(s) needed

Courtesy of Wikimedia

Squirrels such as the one depicted above have ran rampant over the course of the last semester. While they are the lead suspects in Dabo Swinney’s truck vandalism, this one is not of the group of hoodlums.

Well Tigers, it’s been a whopping five days since you’ve left your family. And much like Kanye after having his latest hit album and killer shoe line, you’re broke. 

And not the regular I-don’t-want-to-spend-time-with-you-so-I’m-gonna-say-I’m-broke broke. I mean looking for sugar mamas and daddies to buy you dinner via Tinder broke.

You could call your parents for money, but then they’ll give you a speech on responsibility and make you wish that Donald Trump was your dad. I don’t want that for you.

You could get a job, but as someone who didn’t get a job until they were 20, they’re harder to find than the bottom of the ocean. And the ocean is super deep with no money in it.

So, what do you do? Two words: squirrel hunting.

That’s right, folks. For the first time since guns and other types of hunting equipment were created, you could gain income fighting Clemson’s pest problems.

“Squirrels are basically rats’ cousins,” President Clements said. “They’re not nearly as cuddly or as smart as Nickelodeon’s Sandy Cheeks’ propaganda would like us to believe. So, we need them exterminated.” 

“I mean, we don’t want them completely gone,” Vice President of Student Affairs Almeda Jacks explained. “But if they were — fewer in number — maybe we’d become a top 15 school!”

The cause of this anti-squirrel agenda was an attack on Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney’s truck.

“They scratched the outer paint,” Swinney said. “That’s not dance-worthy — if I see them at my next pizza party, they’re going to get  jumped by my boys.”

The methods of squirrel hunting vary.

“I literally don’t care how you kill them,” Clements said. “I think you can use dogs.”

Having dogs on campus is allowed, but will be prohibited if their excretions aren’t cleaned up. 

“We’re trying to end a problem, not create another one,” Jacks stated. “Dog … manure will definitely get us a lower ranking than USC.”

Students can also use guns on campus to conquer the rodent problem.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Some NRA Guy said. “But it’s in my constitutional rights to have guns wherever I want, so that’s cool with me.”

But the most effective and probably not expensive way to catch a squirrel is using a slingshot.

“We’ve recently been sponsored by Liongate Films, so we have a lot of the slingshots that Catnip girl had lying around,” Clements said. “So if you’re a book nerd, feel free to have fun with that. Just pretend those squirrels are other teenage children you need to kill to win.”

Student response has been receptive so far.

“I’m from Brooklyn,” senior marketing major Matt Spadaro said. “And we have mad rats there. If I wanted to see their cousins, then I could’ve stayed in Brooklyn – where I’m from. Kill those bastards.”

“I can kill squirrels, make money AND eat them afterwards? Sign me up,” the kid from that one small town said.

Not everyone was a fan of this practice, however. 

“They’re killing poor, innocent animals,” that one girl who just became a vegan but still eats gravy said. “If they were deer, that’d be another thing — those dicks have made me wreck my Prius twice.”

When asked about how to approach squirrel hunting, a kid in a camo visor I found on Library Bridge said:

“Strategy is needed when killing a squirrel. You just can’t go willy-nilly blasting them; you need a plan of attack. This ain’t a grocery store, you gotta sneak up on the meat and BAMMM, and you got ‘em”. 

When asked if he was going to participate, Camo Visor said, “I don’t know, only if I can hang them in my room to prove to other assertive men that I killed something.”

Unfortunately, Clemson administration requires that all squirrel skins be given to them.

But how much is the price of these bad boys?

“Enough to buy five buffalo chicken wraps and a coke,” Clements said. “This is college, not a bank; do you really think we’re gonna give you legit money LOLS.”

Honestly? Beggars can’t be choosers. If I had to choose between that and swiping right on every rich-looking chick over 40, you’d call me Dog the Squirrel Hunter. But I actually have a job, so I’m not talking about me, I’m talking about you. You’re sugar baby broke, not me, so get your resumes ready.

Experience is not needed, but a college degree is required.

*NOTE: This article is completely fictitious and does not necessarily reflect the thoughts and opinions of The Tiger, nor its staff. It is for humorous purposes only.*

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