Ever since the introduction of the transfer portal in October 2018, many major collegiate athletic programs have pivoted to prioritize this method of acquiring players. Clemson has infamously not been one of those programs, leading to head coach Dabo Swinney receiving what some may call an excessive amount of backlash.
Now, it looks like Swinney has decided to change his tune.
“After putting more thought into it, and many late-night discussions with my staff, I am finally giving in to the fans. I will be using the portal,” Swinney told The Kitten. “I know this puts a smile on Tyler from Spartanburg’s face.”
Many college football experts, along with Clemson’s fanbase, believed that Swinney’s biggest flaw was his inability to adapt to the modern landscape of college football. Swinney certainly took these comments into account.
“It is my duty as the coach of Clemson football to do anything to keep this program at the top of college football, and I feel like this adjustment will do just that. If wearing a G-string means we win another championship, I’ll be a Victoria’s Secret model.”
Though some of these statements could be described as questionable at best, he made a few valid points, such as: Who wouldn’t want to see Dabo in a G-string?
Clemson football’s stock is back on an upward trend following a recent dip, along with Victoria’s Secret’s stock. The Tigers have even cut ties with their Lululemon collab in favor of the lingerie brand and will now be selling Dabo-themed undergarments across Tigertown.
All of Clemson should be looking forward to a new era of Clemson football that involves a stacked roster of players who are very secure in their masculinity, apparently.
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
