Hello loyal readers of Cobb’s Coffee Corner, the premier coffee review column for all Clemson caffeine needs. While we’ve enjoyed nearly a year of biweekly reviews of cafes across town and across the globe, I’m afraid our time might be coming to a close. Recently, The Tiger staff has held what some would call an intervention for me. They claimed that spending half of our budget on daily jugs of black coffee “in the name of the column” wasn’t healthy.
Though I tried to protest, they took away my usual coffee mug, immediately causing severe caffeine withdrawal, which left me incapacitated. Since then, I’ve been relegated to the corner of the office, ironically in timeout. I’m to reflect on my actions, and can only leave once I swear only to drink decaf.
While I’ve been in the corner for six days and see no end in sight, The Tiger still needs content. Coffee is off limits. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t provide some quality content for you, loyal fans. That said, I will review the corner I’ve been sent to.
First up are the vibes. I’ll be honest; the corner doesn’t offer much. I’m required to face the wall, so the visual stimuli are a bit lacking. The Tiger staff recently painted the walls, so this soft shade of light blue softens the blow. Occasionally they’ll play music in the office, which brings a bit of fun to the corner. Sometimes they’ll play show tunes, though, and the fun will disappear. Overall, the corner’s vibes are a 2 out of 5.
Typically, the second section of these reviews is food. As you can imagine, my corner doesn’t have much in the way of sustenance. From time to time, staff members will throw Ritz crackers at me, seeing if they can land one on my head. But that isn’t enough to write about. Instead, I’ll take this moment to talk about the fly I befriended while in timeout. He flew over on my third day here, most likely because of the crumbs, but his company is still appreciated. I’ve named him Thadeus, and though I’ve nearly squashed him several times, he remains my only source of friendship. Thadeus gets a 4 out of 5.
The final part of this impromptu review hurts the most. In this column’s prime, we’d take a look at a cafe’s glorious coffee creations. Despite my near-week-long stay in this corner, the wounds left from my caffeine ban are fresh. I miss the aroma, the biting bitterness left after the first sip of a fresh brew, the fun of finding which pastry best pairs with different blends and the severe mood swings and migraines that crept up after forgetting my industrial thermos at home. But more than anything, I miss the camaraderie of it all. No place is as conducive to college bonds, study sessions and catching up with old friends as cafes. A cup of coffee is not just an occasional pick-me-up before class. It’s a bond, a way to tie lives together for just a moment, washing away the stress of life with its rich taste and letting the joy of life shine through.
Maybe that’s what my time in this corner is really about. In my desire to consume as much caffeine as possible for these reviews, I forgot the true meaning of coffee.
To all my Coffee Corner readers, I’m sorry. Never again will I forget the beauty of coffee. From now on, I will be the caffeine connoisseur you all deserve. As soon as the migraine subsides and the staff stops throwing crackers at me, I’ll return to the column better and less caffeine-dependent than ever. Cobb’s Coffee Corner will, forever and always, be a 5 out of 5.