As part of Clemson’s recent efforts to promote campuswide sustainability, all students will now be receiving Stanley tumbler cups upon enrolling at the University.
“We are committed to delivering the No. 1 student hydration experience, and this partnership with Stanley will help us to do just that,” Jimbo Clementine, the University president, said. “Stanleys are an excellent sustainable alternative to plastic and styrofoam and will help us create a greener campus.”
Clemson students can enjoy a variety of exclusive Stanley designs, including orange, purple, tiger paw, tiger-striped or Clemson sunset ombre. These are available in all styles and sizes of Stanley tumblers, and students also have the option to get their monogram engraved to prevent ownership confusion.
Popular Clemson-themed accessories for Stanley cups, such as straw toppers, belt bags, snack trays and silicone boots, will also be offered upon request.
For those seeking a more masculine aesthetic, Stanley will also be offering limited-edition Manley cups featuring designs such as a roaring tiger head. Instead of a handle, Manleys will have carabiner clips that can easily be attached to jeans, backpacks and more.
“We want to make sure there’s a Stanley for every student,” Roberto Jonez, the Clemson provost, said.
Students were extremely enthusiastic about the prospect of receiving Stanley cups.
“I think it’s amazing,” an anonymous Delta Telta Felta sorority member said. “I basically have every single one already, so now I’ll have a full collection. All my friends from home are going to be so jealous.”
Of course, to offset the cost of providing Stanleys for every student and accommodate projected enrollment growth, tuition can be expected to increase by around $5,000. However, university administration agrees that this is a small price to pay for the tumbler of a lifetime.
“Our students are champs, and we’re not taking any chances when it comes to hydration,” Clementine said in an off-the-record interview with The Kitten. “We just gotta make sure no one dents their cups and gets lead poisoning. We don’t need any more lawsuits.”
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
