As I was sitting a few weeks ago, editing countless articles for our print edition, I found myself making the same corrections over and over …. and over again. Capitalizations seemed random, commas were out of place, basic words were spelled wrong, and don’t get me started on the Oxford comma.
Suddenly, a genius idea came to mind (a rather typical occurrence for me, I have to say). Why do we even enforce these rules anyway? If everyone seems determined to make these mistakes, why should I bother fixing them? Clearly, they’re being made for a reason!
Therefore, I propose we eliminate all of the grammar rules and go back to the good old days. For those of you who may not know, back in the days of Jane Austen, Regency romances, pining, and petticoats, there were absolutely no rules when writing. You showed up, let your creative juices flow, and whatever was spelled wrong or inconsistently didn’t matter because the only rule was: there are no rules!
In my opinion, that sounds like a lot less work than editing with my trusty AP Stylebook, which comes in at 624 pages of rules, with even more online. In an effort to make this change more widespread (why not do it for classes as well?), I’ve included some easy tips to help you get started in breaking free from all the years of standard lessons.
Capitalization? Do it whenever You feel the Words look special enough to deserve an Uppercase.
Commas? Throw some Rice on the Page, and wherever a Grain lands, leave a, Comma!
Spelling? Some times, You just feel an uncontrolable Urge to write a Word a certaine way. Don’t ignore it — the randomer, the better-er. Extra points if you sprinkle in randome, unnecessary letters at the endes of words.
See how much easier life could be if we threw out all these complicated, contradictory, and silly rules? Let’s just let people write how they want to write instead of stifling their creativity through arbitrary regulations.
In fact, I place this article at the forefront of the revolution against standard English. If a change can be made to go against all those directives, I’ve made it in my one-woman effort to pave the way.
Why should we hold people accountable for nonsensical rules and make even more work for ourselves? My job would be a lot easier if I didn’t have to do that, and shouldn’t good writing be all about simplicity, anyway?
Blockabama is a sophomore English major originally from Germany. Why does she care about what we do with the English language then, anyway…
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
