In hopes of graduating the most “straight fire” student population, Clemson announced the opening of the College of Generation Z on March 32.
Seminars offered in the new college include GENZ 1010: How to Speak Gen Z — where students will learn the meanings and how to apply terms such as “bool,” “esketit,” “no cap” and “sksksk” — GENZ 2010: Introduction to Ghosting, GENZ 2030: How to Deal With FOMO, GENZ 3045: Meme Making, GENZ 4500: How to Not Be Woke, GENZ 5000: Shotgunning and many more colorful course offerings.
University President Jiminy Cricket shared his excitement about the newest Clemson college in an exclusive, off-the-record interview with The Kitten.
“Our students are really going to pop off with this new learning experience,” Cricket said. “They are going to be so savage and have so much clout that employers are going to be begging for Clemson grads.”
The college plans to enroll its first class this fall, which will be housed in the new Humanities Hall, leaving English and language students homeless … again.
“We believe this new college will be significantly more beneficial for our students than the humanities, not like that’s hard, but still, the new college is going to set Clemson students apart from any other college graduates in the nation,” Cricket added.
The college will also offer various experiential learning opportunities to align with Clemson Elevate, the University’s strategic plan to become the next Harvard (without the plagiarism scandals, of course).
These opportunities include leisure skills such as “getting this bread,” “getting crunk,” “dartying,” “getting zooted” and “homie hopping,” all of which are scheduled to take place in the center of Bowman Field.
“I just can’t wait to watch our students thrive and get zooted in the middle of campus,” Cricket said. “I just really feel this is going to push us up to that AAU Membership level. Let’s get this bread, Tigers!”
If you’re not cringing… you should be.
This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
