In a shocking move, IPTAY has announced that Clemson football tickets for the upcoming season will be distributed based solely on students’ hometowns.
According to this new policy, South Carolina residents will enjoy prime seating in the lower deck, while half the student body, also known as New Jersey students, will be in the far reaches of the upper deck.
“We felt it was time to reward our loyal local fans who’ve been supporting Clemson football for generations,” said Shane, an IPTAY spokesperson. “And as for New Jersey…well, they can still see the field and are just advised to bring binoculars.”
The decision has left many New Jersey-based Clemson fans feeling hurt. One fan named Jenna was visibly out of breath after walking up to her assigned seat during a mock trial of the new system.
“I thought I was climbing Mount Everest, not going to a football game,” she said in an interview with The Kitten.
Meanwhile, South Carolina residents are already celebrating their VIP treatment. Fans from Greenville, Columbia and Charleston will be front and center for every touchdown, while out-of-state fans can enjoy their bird’s-eye view of Death Valley from a different zip code.
“We just want to create a family-friendly atmosphere,” said the IPTAY rep, “and nothing says family like giving your in-state cousins the best seats and sending your out-of-state friends to the nosebleeds.”
To add insult to injury, fans from Georgia and North Carolina will be given premium seating in the lower deck corners, a slight upgrade from New Jersey’s sky high status. Florida residents will receive mid-level seats.
As for any state above the Mason-Dixon line, the upper deck will be their home for the 2025-26 season.
New Jersey fans have started a petition, but IPTAY has yet to budge.
“We understand their concerns,” said a representative.
However, all donors have approved this change and are looking forward to the stadium seating upgrades.
As Clemson fans gear up for another exciting season, one thing is certain: where you sit now depends on where you park your car when you’re not at Death Valley.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
