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Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan is so good at his job that the big leagues are now trying to poach him; pictured at the National Championship in December talking with Cristiano Ronaldo, who flew out just to watch him coach.

Clemson United coach receives interest from European soccer clubs

Griggin Garfield, Ass Balls Editor April 1, 2024

Following his recent success at the American collegiate level, rumors are swirling that Clemson United head coach Mike Noonan has begun receiving interest from several professional European clubs. Thanks...

Thanks to his petite 6-foot-1, 230-pound frame, running back Phil Mafah has been tabbed as a specialist for the future mens gymnastics team.

Clemson announces inaugural men’s gymnastics team

Kylie Brochard, Sucks Balls April 1, 2024

The Clemson athletic department has announced its intention to establish a men’s gymnastics program following the success of the women’s team this year. This establishment would be the 16th NCAA...

Clemson will reinstate the Wendys at 1 Bryan Circle.

Clemson to bring back on-campus Wendy’s

Kelly Kardashian, Ass. Balls Editor April 1, 2024

As you may have noticed in your recent walks around campus, Peppino’s Pizzeria is currently undergoing construction. While many believe this is a standard operation (because what’s more standard in...

The first floor has been haunted due to student nightmares of exams and late nights.

Cooper Library shut down after Ghostbusters search haunted first floor

Sparky Parky, Professional Liar April 1, 2024

Due to a recent resurgence in stories of formerly possessed students, Clemson has shut down Cooper Library so the Ghostbusters can investigate paranormal activity on the basement floor. The basement...

The Tiger is fed up with the complaining of students under the rouse of asking for advice.

Tiger’s Last Straw: ‘How do I cope with finding out my friend is not who I thought they were?’

Olweis Wright, Facts Editor April 1, 2024

“How do I cope with finding out my friend is not who I thought they were?” A student who obviously doesn’t have common sense or the personality to make any actual friends of value. And you know...

Lucky you! These fine young gentlemen could be your uber ride home.

Need a lift? Bro-peds to the rescue

Avery Cock, Lisan al Gaib April 1, 2024

Clemson downtown, you’re in luck this Saturday. All bro-ped owners in Clemson have teamed up with Uber in order to provide easy transportation for all the drunkies this weekend at an exceptionally low...

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