In an ever-changing world, some things remain constant — like the struggle of dating. The concept is really quite a simple science, so don’t overthink it. I’ve got some easy methods to set your first date off right!
First, you’ll need a venue for your rendezvous. An ideal restaurant is Clemson campus favorite Raisin’ Canes. A crowd-pleasing choice that won’t break the bank, and is within walking distance from most points on campus.
Once you two are seated with your Caniac Combos, make sure to start off the conversation strong: GET POLITICAL. People love hearing others’ honest, unfiltered thoughts on global issues. Starting with uncomfortable issues immediately demonstrates that you are not afraid to challenge yourself and others. It’s great for first impressions, for yourself and your date, as you can judge them based on their reactions when you discuss controversial topics such as: [REDACTED].
Piggybacking off of the last point, you could also attempt to rage-bait them. Try to make them explain themselves, even when you know exactly what they are talking about. Throw in a couple of phrases like “Are you sure?” “Are you really sure?” and “You are insane.”
Do not agree with them on anything; always counter their taste in movies, TV, music and more. Try to put them in a box; people despise being defined. If they are resilient enough, they will sniff out the rage bait and rage-bait back to you, then you two will enter a rage bait flow state, which is when you know they’re worth a second date.
Another good litmus test for a potential mate is asking them their favorite dinosaur. READ THE FOLLOWING CAREFULLY. If their answer is a Velociraptor, you’ve got a go-getter. If it is Stegosaurus, you’ll have a nice summer fling, but not the marrying type. If they say “rex”, they are a sheep, not worthy of sophisticated conversation. If their answer is a Pterodactyl, leave immediately; it is dangerous to be seen with that person. As for your own choice, always say Spinosaurus, a stoic yet cultured pick.
No one’s perfect, so don’t abandon these methods if they don’t work the first time. Be persistent! People these days aren’t willing to put in the work, but you, yes, you, the reader, can change that. Now go out there and find a suitable significant other!
Evil Cole Jersek is a junior evil turf grass major from Evil Long Island City, New York. To contact Evil Cole Jersek, send a letter to your mom’s house.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
