Clemson’s underground tunnels are no longer just an open secret; they are now under construction to become a full metro system, set to open in September.
An insider with connections to University leadership shared this new project with The Kitten.
The new metro system will be called the ELT, short for Ever Loyal Transit.
It will welcome only loyal Clemson people. Don’t even think about mentioning the Cocks, or wearing garnet and black. Your entrance will surely be denied.
As a punishment for giving up, Clemson dropouts have been forced to return to campus and work in the new transportation division.
There will be three separate routes. One will service East Campus, one West Campus and the other will provide transportation to the Athletic Facilities.
It has been confirmed that the central transfer station will be located on the first floor of Cooper Library.
Some stops of the East Campus route include Sikes Hall, the Horseshoe and the Agricultural Quad.
On the West Campus route, the ELT will stop at locations such as Core, the Shoeboxes, Hunter Hall and the Lee Complex.
The stops on the Athletics route include most of the campus athletic facilities. It will service all athletic buildings except the Sloan Tennis Center.
Contractors determined that Sloan is “an unnecessary stop because of its close proximity to other buildings,” according to the project director, Tenn Hates.
The Tennis Boosters Club has been outspoken about the apparent injustice.
“Overall, the goal of this project is to eventually wean out the TigerTransit bus system,” Hates explained.
Hates elaborated on some additional goals, including shortening the time between classes from 15 minutes to just five.
“If the metro works extremely fast, then students won’t need a 15-minute break between classes,” Hates said. “They can get from here to there in less than five minutes, which means more learning!”
Notably, there will be no stations at Thornhill or Lightsey Bridge, virtually excluding Bridge students from the system.
“Bridge students are not as important as the ever-loyal students of Clemson,” Hates told The Kitten. “Once they become students, they are welcome to use the metro, but until then, they will not be allowed on.”
An unofficial University spokesperson was sure to clarify that these students will be able to use the transit system after their first year when they cross the bridge to the University.
ELT will use state-of-the-art green technology to convert students’ scraps from Core, Shitter and Douthit into renewable energy.
“Food waste. Schmood waste. We won’t be worrying about that anymore,” said Biggie Bigback, head of campus dining services.
“Whether you get a slice of pizza, a dirty water dog or some dried-up chicken, you don’t have to worry about where it is going,” Bigback told The Kitten. “Everything will be reused in a positive way,”
Students will no longer have to feel guilty about loading their plates full of mediocre dining hall food that they won’t actually eat.
“I’m so happy that our new metro will be Earth-friendly,” said Anna Banana, president of the Jungle Lovers club.
Metro engineers are developing tiger-shaped metro cars to be released next year, so that riders can really get in the spirit.
In addition, there will be a special car at the rear of each vehicle for student athletes to travel in with their scooters.
Athletes have mixed opinions about this new system. Some are excited that their scooters will be accommodated, while others are offended that they will be segregated from the rest of the student body.
Bave and Duddy will have their own throne in a special compartment on each train.
This new project is expected to cost $300 million, and funding will be reallocated from student life and campus wellness projects. No clubs will receive funds, and construction of the MUSC Health Center will be put on hold.
The University has yet to make an official statement regarding the mysterious project.
