Effective April 31, ROAR Clemson will fire and fully replace its bartenders with new robots specifically designed to make drinks, literally setting each bartender aflame to signal entry into its newest era.
After conventionally firing multiple bartenders over the last six months, the downtown bar has decided to officially wean itself off its human bartenders in a more permanent manner. This change will help the bar to move towards using more personable and connected staff: robots that can make drinks as the buyer prefers.
These robots will operate through a kiosk system that would also require the consumer to scan their government-issued ID before making a purchase.
When an individual wants a drink, they will walk up to the kiosk, view the list of drink options and select what they want to order. After that, individuals will input the level of strength they would like the drink to be, ranging from very weak to very strong.
By combining identification with drink orders, the kiosk will track how many drinks a single individual has consumed and the time elapsed since the last order.
This system has been put in place to ensure that customers do not become overly intoxicated in an overarching effort to prevent fights and altercations.
During ROAR’s team meeting on March 31, management mentioned situations that have occurred during the bar’s time in business, which included instances of drink tampering, aggravated assaults, constant police presence and more.
Management believes the root of these issues lies with the bartenders and that moving to a robotic system and burning their bridges with personnel will be the “best foot forward,” according to Growly Lion, the bar’s head manager.
Lion also noted that if this change shows “great progress in the ongoing issues and concerns surrounding the bartenders,” then the bar will eventually exterminate all bouncers and replace them with robots, too.
Sandy Sweets, a current ROAR bartender who was booted after the meeting, sat down with The Kitten to explain her side of the story.
“I am just a little confused. The management team called all of the bartenders in one by one and accused us of all of the issues happening at the bar, then broke the news right on the spot,” Sweets said.
She went on to explain that bartending was her sole source of income as a full-time microscopic flower major at Clemson.
“This abrupt firing is completely morally wrong; if they’re going to replace us with robots, they could at least just fire us instead of actually setting us on fire,” she continued. “There is no way that this is a legal means of progression.”
Sweets and a few other bartenders are currently seeking legal representation and plan to sue the bar for wrongful termination ahead of the set “firing” date.
On the other hand, students have mixed feelings about the change to the bar.
Carl Peabottom, a sophomore Phil Nye the Science Guy interpretation major, told The Kitten that he was inevitably worried about underage students and whether or not they will be subject to similar fates for mischief.
“What’s going to happen to the students who try to get into ROAR underage? Are these bots going to be able to accurately detect fakes? I’m not speaking for myself, obviously, but seriously, what about the other students?”
Lex Warsh, a junior underage drinking intelligence major, said she’s excited to see fewer minors in bars meant for individuals over 21.
“Let’s be real, downtown is crawling with first-year students and sophomores trying to get into bars. Why would the upperclassmen want them in ROAR? I think this will be a great addition to downtown,” Warsh told The Kitten.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
