Starting April 2, Schilletter Dining Hall will no longer be named after the notorious Augustus Schilletter, who worked on the dining hall staff while embezzling money from the school.
After decades of mockery over the poor quality of the food served, the dining hall will officially be renamed “Shitter.”
When questioned about the proposed name change, many students made startling comments. One commenter, Shitter Hater, pondered whether the “terrible food served could have been a strategic cost-saving measure to support Schilletter’s embezzlement secretly.”
Contrastingly, Core Power, a ninth-year senior underwater basket-weaving major, said that “a new name would simply be a more honest reflection of the food served in the dining hall.” Another student went so far as to state that they had “never heard of Schilletter Dining Hall, only Shitter … is it the same thing?”
Originally, the decision to change the name was made by former University Prez JP Clemdog after he ate the infamous chili cheese steak served on Fridays. Within hours, he suffered the worst food poisoning he had ever experienced, losing 10 pounds in one day.
The experience was so intense that he had to stay at Redfern Health Center for two weeks, where he was given life-saving, industrial-strength 800mg ibuprofen every four hours to combat his two-week ordeal. After the incident, current University Prez Bobby Joney said that the dining hall’s name change “had it coming.”
Recently, Clemdog tweeted on X that he will return to Clemson in April for the dining hall’s rebranding ceremony.
“Just finished a meeting with the not-yet-dead Augustus Schilletter. He’s thrilled that we’re keeping his legacy of ‘extreme cost-saving measures’ alive, which means the food will continue to be subpar,” he said in the tweet.
To celebrate the dining hall’s new name, the first 100 students at the ceremony get a free commemorative bottle of Redfern-brand ibuprofen. Students are encouraged to wear their orange and bring Tums. Hashtags #TheShitter, #ClemsonDining and #RedfernReady are currently trending on TikTak.
Interim Prez Joney plans to unveil the new Shitter Dining Hall sign on April 2 at 12 p.m. The “ribbon” for the ceremony is made from recycled gauze from Redfern, symbolizing healing but serving as a practical safety precaution for anyone standing within 10 feet of the “Shitter” sign.
Additionally, Prez Bobby Joney will close the ceremony by revealing that the dining hall’s rebranding is only Phase One.
Under his temporary leadership, Joney plans to make it clear that the University will rebrand building names to their true purpose: Cooper Library will reportedly be renamed “The Nap Zone,” Strom Institute will officially become “Too Far to Walk from Douthit” and Redfern will be named “Advil Fixes Everything.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
