Beverage enthusiasts are sure to be ecstatic about Der Verbrannt, the highly anticipated and much-needed new college coffee shop in Clemson.
Currently only available in the pop-up form inside of the president’s home, the coffee vendor will open a chain of locations across campus, including the bell tower atop Tillman Hall, the Advanced Materials Innovation Complex, the top floor of Lever Hall and the Lehotsky Hall basement.
Such premier locations signal the University’s confidence in an elite establishment run by an alumnus who wanted to share his international success.
“There just don’t seem to be enough coffee shops around here. They all serve overpriced coffee that is under par and girly, but where is the coffee for a real man?” says owner Matt Framen, a Boston native.
After attending graduate school at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in mathematics, he moved to Germany with his husband Ben Fraffleck, where he had developed a unique sensation: over roast.
Some might call it burning the coffee rather than “over-roasting,” but Framen says those people are “beta losers.”
There is a very limited menu with strict rules on ordering. When ordering, the customer must order specifically off the menu — no additions or subtractions — only as is. It’s a pleasant change from the normalized “large, caramel, chocolate, low sugar, cold foam, iced, vanilla macchiato with five pumps of caramel” culture, Fraffleck said.
While there is seating in the current location, Der Verbrannt is famous for having limited, plastic-covered wobble-chair seating sans tables and decor, encouraging responsibility, austerity and minimal conversation among patrons.
The large dark black coffee fills to the brim with a signature dripping overflow of creamy cold foam. One can sense a true beauty in the uniform, bitter over-roasted flavor.
To the experienced and not idiotic tongue, the coffee has robust flavors too intricate for a stupid chud college student who might call it burnt, but it’s perfect for the alpha taster like yours truly.
These coffees are priced perfectly for the broke college student as well, at $18 for a small cup and $32 for a medium, not at all out of touch with current inflation or college budgets.
One of the most beautiful aspects of Der Verbrannt is the aroma. Framen shared with The Kitten that he has bought an industrial set of fans to blast the smell of over-roasted coffee throughout campus in hopes of more sales and smiles.
Framen’s establishment brings culture and sophistication to Clemson. It’s a breath of fresh air for a campus marked by tasteless and frivolous coffee shops for betas and girls.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
