In a turn of events that confounds conventional understandings of time, Tiger Town Tavern has announced that Ludwig van Beethoven, Johannes Brahms and Johann Sebastian Bach will co-headline the first live concert at its new Cooper Library location.
Event organizer John Tigertowntavern was ecstatic about the announcement: “What better way to celebrate a new Triple T’s than with music’s greatest Triple B’s?”
When asked how exactly the Clemson University institution planned to secure appearances from three men who have been dead for over 200 years, Tigertowntavern was evasive.
“We have methods,” he said. “Do not question them.”
Clemson has not offered a course in necromancy since 1947, so it’s unclear how Triple’s staff have obtained the skills to resurrect the music icons. Subject-matter experts have confirmed that an Etsy witch was likely involved.
The Clemson Po-Po has announced that it will be tripling its on-campus presence on the day of the concert, fearing potential property damage and disorderly conduct from students animated by iconic songs like Beethoven’s “5th Symphony,” Brahms’ “Lullaby” and Bach’s “Well-Tempered Clavier.”
“We’re really worried about potential injuries in the ‘Ode to Joy’ mosh pit,” po-po John Cop told The Kitten in an interview.
Steve Student, a freshman cuneiform major, thinks that the po-po’s concerns are overblown.
“If they think this is going to be bad, wait until next month,” Student said. “The Franz Liszt show is going to be crazy.”
He might have a point — if the traffic after last year’s Savannah Bananas game is any indication, Clemson is entirely unprepared for an outbreak of Lisztomania.
Triple will commemorate the event with three limited-edition T-shirts, one for each of the three composers. John Tigertowntavern says that this was part of the plan from the beginning.
“Would we really be the Tiger Town Tavern if we didn’t take every possible opportunity to give out T-shirts?” Tigertowntavern added.
“I hope I can get a good price when I resell it on eBay,” John Student mused. He’s not just in it for the merch, though. “What I’m really excited for is the ‘Moonlight Sonata.’ When that third movement starts, and those arpeggios come in, all bets are off. I am not responsible for what I do when Ludwig is up there going crazy in C-sharp minor.”
Rumors are circulating that the “Triple B” event was hastily planned after an appearance by the second most famous Triple T in the world, Tung Tung Tung Sahur, fell through.
Behind-the-scenes drama notwithstanding, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I mean, where else are you going to get a limited-edition Johannes Brahms T-shirt?
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
