On Monday, Clemson’s Undergraduate Authoritarian Regime announced a change to the general election results following an extremely controversial election cycle, with recent news reports alleging that the results were rigged between the two candidates.
The CUAR elections board decided to hold a runoff election and, at popular demand, add Duddy the bog as president, with Bave as his vice president. However, the elections board conducted a series of games that the candidates were required to participate in before the student body could cast votes.
Prior candidates and winners, Daisy Hands and Broody Child, received an overwhelming 2,120 votes in the CUAR 2026 general election.
After the games were announced, Surgeon Romeo and Iate Oxen, the third ticket, decided to withdraw from the race. The two candidates left were Hands and Child, along with Duddy and Bave.
For the first game, both candidates played a best-of-three rock-paper-scissors match.
“Ruff ruff woof woof bark,” Duddy told The Kitten in an interview while explaining his game plan to win the game.
After an intense two rounds, both candidates were tied. Yet, with a swift and simple rock, paper, scissors strategy, Bave and Duddy took the win after a brow-sweating contest.
Both candidates hosted a two-hour debate on whether a new major in dog breed identification should be added to the curriculum.
The heated debate settled with Bave and Duddy being for the new major, while Hands and Child were not. After the debate, the elections board conducted a clap vote to determine the winner; attendees roared loudly for Bave and Duddy, marking another win for the duo.
In the election process’s final act, The Esso Club hosted a hot dog eating contest, preparing roughly 7,000 hot dogs. The following numbers represent the number of hot dogs the candidates consumed in just 10 minutes.
Duddy and Bave: 6,767
Hands and Child: 233
After winning all three of these games, Duddy and Bave were a shoo-in to win. Then, it all came down to a final vote of the student body on who would be elected into the position for the 2026-2027 fiscal year.
After the votes were tallied, it was announced that the University’s newest student body president is Duddy, with his owner, Bave, as vice president.
Come fall 2026, here are some of the changes Duddy and Bave plan to make to the University.
First, instead of students and faculty scanning in to buildings to enter, they will have to visit Bave and pet Duddy outside Daniel Hall for a minimum of 10 minutes every day to gain entry to their lectures and labs for the day.
Second, the University will be required to keep dog treats in every academic building and dormitory. The dog treats will be Duddy’s flavor of the week, announced every Friday prior to ensure sufficient time for students and faculty to purchase their own in preparation for offering them to Duddy.
To increase students’ creativity and artistic skills, Duddy has also decided to host a weekly bandana art contest. Students will create bandana designs, and the winning design will be selected by Bave and worn by Duddy on his walks around campus.
Extra credit opportunities will be given to students who participate in a weekly competition called the “Duddy Fetch Contest.”
This new contest will take place every afternoon on the grass outside Tillman Hall, where students will line up in a single file line, each with a tennis ball for Duddy to chase. After Duddy finishes fetching each of the participants’ throws, he will decide whose throw was the best and will give them extra credit for any course of their choosing.
“I am honestly kind of excited for the weekly Duddy Fetch Contest. It seems like a great way to practice some throwing and to get some extra credit along the way,” Z.J. Toore, Clemson wide receiver, told The Kitten in an interview.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
