It is often said that there aren’t any good food options in the dining hall on a regular basis. Students complain all over campus that despite the three dining halls with frequently different options, there is nothing for them to eat.

Only one answer can solve this starved issue: providing superior amounts of protein that will fit most diets while remaining as appetizing as possible. The only answer is chicken-shaped dinosaur nuggets.

Technically, this kills a lot of birds with one stone without killing any birds with no stones — heavy emphasis on killing no birds — ushering in the future of Clemson Dining.

The bioengineering labs already have all of the equipment readily available to the dining hall workers. All it’ll take is a little bit of that “all-in” energy, but this could be a total in-house operation to take the monopoly of options from Aramark.

Chicken-shaped dinosaur nuggets provide the highest amount of protein and are grown in environments that are halal and kosher.

What are they, you may be asking? Great question! It’s the latest scientific innovation. While everyone has been hyped about protein, scientists at NASA have worked with the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History collections to create the Department of International Genetic Industrial Technologies.

Here, they use stem cell technology with innovative lab growing methods that have proven successful to recreate dinosaur meat. Popular cuts currently come from the Parasaurolophus, Brachiosaurus, and Tyrannosaurus rex. They have also mentioned working very hard on perfecting the woolly mammoth meat.

The meat is grown to not harm the animal, then prepared into chicken shapes to be battered and turned into the final nugget form. No lives are harmed in the process, and legal slaughtering methods are typically inapplicable but cautiously observed. Most poultry comes from dinosaurs, so it is widely accepted that the meat is also poultry and therefore held to the same poultry standards.

Either we pay to get a share of the dinosaur DNA of choice to then synthesize the meat here, or we can take the lazy option and get the nuggets premade. The premade option features the chicken shape, which would be perfect for students who have more violent tendencies towards the gamecock-adjacent imagery.

Clemson brags constantly about how we strive for innovation, the number one experience, the best rivalry and pushing the envelope of technology. Chicken dinosaur nuggets in every dining hall kill all the birds with one stone without killing any birds.

John Hammond Jr. is a senior paleontology major from Isla Nublar. John Hammond Jr. cannot be reached; he was eaten by a dinosaur shortly after writing. 

This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.