In January, rock climber Alex Honnold free soloed the 1,667-foot Taipei 101 tower in Taiwan live for 6.2 million viewers worldwide. Today, an unidentified student is following in his footsteps, climbing the iconic 65-foot Shepherd Hotel in downtown Clemson without any equipment.
“We tried to stop him,” an onlooker told The Kitten. “But he yelled something along the lines of ‘I’m going gorilla mode!’ and just started climbing.”
While gorillas are very hairy, the student appears to be completely bald, possibly for aerodynamic aid while climbing.
Buildering, the practice of scaling buildings, is illegal and prohibited in Clemson. However, Clemson Po-po and ICUP have been unable to arrest or even stop the individual.
Officers arrived after he began his ascent, planning to take the stairwell to intercept at a window ledge or the rooftop, but the front door was locked. The Shepherd Hotel’s manager, who struggles in high-stress situations, apparently fumbled with the keys to the building and dropped them into a nearby storm drain.
“As it stands, we cannot enter the building,” police spokeswoman Anita Lottahelp said to the media. “Our officers are ill-equipped and frankly too afraid to climb in pursuit, so we will resort to luring the individual back down.”
Clemson Po-po ordered three large pizzas from Todaro’s Pizza — two cheese pies and one half pepperoni, half bacon — in hopes that the smell would waft up and entice the climber.
This is a developing story. The Kitten will update this article with information as soon as we pick up our friends from the airport and eat some lunch.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
