On Sunday, TD’s of Clemson announced that they have officially banned Carrie Underwood’s song “Before He Cheats” from their karaoke list.
The decision was made after the night prior when DJ Diddy, the man on the jukebox, heard the song an “astounding” 22 times in less than five hours.
“It got to a point of insanity. Girls would walk up to the karaoke stand to request a song and I would already know what was coming,” DJ Diddy told The Kitten in an interview.
The night began with a sorority event before the venue opened to the public at 10 p.m. The event was “Wild West” themed, according to Harry P. Ness, an attendee dressed as a cowboy.
“I just came because I was told there would be free food. I was playing pool all night and eating chicken tenders. But if I had a dime for every pink-cowboy-hat-wearing girl that sang ‘Before He Cheats,’ well, let’s just say I would be wearing a much nicer pair of pants tonight,” Ness told The Kitten.
Once the bar opened to the public, TD’s employees thought that the Carrie Underwood-induced chaos would end. However, Underwood found a new business partner in Taylor Swift, according to TD’s manager Tete Mulbento.
Swift’s hit songs “Love Story” and “You Belong with Me” joined “Before He Cheats” in the “madness,” DJ Diddy told The Kitten. “By midnight, I was slipping people $20 to sing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ or ‘Piano Man’.”
“Me and my boys sang ‘Margaritaville,’” 16-year-old sophomore Mike Hunt said. Hunt has a fake ID from Michigan that says he’s 24.
Hunt mentioned that people treated his group like heroes for singing a song that wasn’t “Before He Cheats” when they walked off the stage. He said he felt like Jimmy Buffet until he heard a girl screaming about digging her keys into a car.
During the busy, karaoke-filled Saturday night, the bar sold a record amount of vodka cranberry drinks and tequila shots. For many bar-goers, the cost of the night was “ringing ears” and a “newfound fear of Louisville sluggers,” according to Mulbento.
“This goes out to my ex-boyfriend!” a woman who somehow got ahold of the mic screamed before singing another “Before He Cheats.”
After 22 renditions of Carrie Underwood’s 2006 hit song, many believed the craze would never end. Just before several women prepared to launch into round 23, TD’s karaoke waitlist cleared up in what was described as a “mass migration” by a witness at next-door bar Loose Change.
“It’s time to go to Roar, duh! Apparently, the whole basketball team is there right now,” the 16th performer of “Before He Cheats” exclaimed.
Back at TD’s, a “weary” staff cleaned up as some stragglers shot pool, Mulbento said. The karaoke booth ended with some Bon Jovi, Queen and Soujia Boy.
As bars closed and Ubers and buses took people home, Mulbento made the decision that for the safety and sanity of both employees and bar-goers, Underwood’s “Before He Cheats” would never play in TD’s again.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
