A Clemson student discovered a secret meth lab in the Strom Thurmond Research Institute basement as a part of a nationwide drug trade on Saturday.

“I was intrigued, so I waited for the last person to leave and ran in. Little did I know, I’d find a meth lab where archived documents used to be,” Grainy Grass, a junior dope major at Clemson, told The Kitten.

Grass then explained that there were mass amounts of meth-making materials covering every surface in the basement and that he “got totally, ridiculously high” just from the fumes.

After this discovery, the University installed a security system in the Strom Thurmond basement and appointed a guard to be stationed outside the door at all times. Anyone who tries to enter must show their student ID, walk through metal detectors and undergo questioning by a lab team.

“This information is confidential, and I will not speak on it at this moment,” Clem Prez JP Clemdog stated in a press statement from the University.

Livy Duck, the University’s agricultural administrator, explained in an interview with The Kitten that the meth lab was created for the sole purpose of obtaining more money.

“We have plans to create its own meth to sell in a way a cartel would,” Duck told The Kitten.

Duck has been suspicious for months due to Dougie Hackleback, the University’s vice president for student affairs, asking the agricultural department about meth in extensive ways — including how to manage a hypothetical lab.

She also explained that if the lab had gone undiscovered, the meth could have grown strong enough to instantly kill anyone who came in close proximity.

“The brewing meth was days away from causing extreme health risks for faculty, students and the like,” Duck said. “The fumes themselves would have caused cancerous cells to grow in any individual who comes within 20 feet of the lab.”

The discovery attracted attention from national news publications such as the Associated Press, Fox News, CNN, USA Today and more. The FBI will be conducting a full investigation in Strom Thurmond and other basements on campus.

Duck then explained that if the University had intentions of creating a drug trade on campus, the University would be shut down for good.

Dr. Amy Stake, an associate professor in Clemson’s College of Drugs, helped create the lab. She told The Kitten in an interview that the University fired her and that she now has no connection to the lab.

“When the original scientists were first discussing the lab, we were hired to create the meth for medical reasons. It was specifically meant to help nursing students manage their stress. However, once we started, the narrative changed,” Stake told The Kitten.

The scientists were presented with an opportunity to take part in a drug trade involving universities across the nation that would bring in millions of dollars. The scientists then planned on anonymously donating the money to the University.

The lab team began testing the meth in hopes that it would be strong enough to go into a drug trade.

“This meth was the strongest I’ve ever tried — and I’ve tried a lot of meth,” Stake said.

Once the FBI arrives on campus, students will be dismissed, and classes will move online for the entirety of the fall 2025 semester. The FBI will then determine whether the University will close permanently based on the results of the investigation.

This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.