As of March 32, the Clemson Po-po will enforce Transportation Security Administration tactics at the entrance of every bar in downtown Clemson.
The o-po believed that it was in the best interest of Clemson students that the bars increased their security. However, the po-po is aware this could cause outrage from students who want to “enjoy their Saturday nights,” according to Po-po Chief Campus.
People can use a TSA PreCheck app to enter the bar faster, allowing for an overall simpler process.
Amid students’ concerns regarding this new feature to the bars, brought to the po-po’s attention by carrier pigeons and telefaxes, the po-po assured the public that the TSA lines will be quick and efficient due to PreCheck. There will be two separate lines with metal detectors and conveyor belts for people to place their bags.
The officers stationed on the standard TSA lines will require students to endure substantial pat-downs, including taking off their clothes and shaving their heads.
However, with TSA PreCheck, people will not have to take off their shoes or sweatshirts. This is one way that the po-po is encouraging students to purchase PreCheck.
There are controversies regarding PreCheck because it is expensive and requires a “borderline abusive” background check, according to Chip Munk, a sophomore underwater basket weaving major at Clemson. Munk is the commander-in-chief of the student group NO TSA, which was established for the sole purpose of protesting this issue.
Students are required to share every detail of their personal lives with the po-po TSA officers, including their family dynamics, romantic relationships, friend drama and complete health history.
NO TSA has organized several protests with the intent of vocalizing concerns regarding the background check. Many students in the group believe that the time-consuming background check is unfair, given their responsibilities, extracurricular activities and commitments.
Additionally, the background check processing time takes three years at a minimum.
“It’s so ridiculous. Many students will graduate before they have the chance to even step foot into a downtown bar,” Munk told The Kitten in an interview.
Paige Turner, a freshman window washing major, is “concerned” that if students forgo the PreCheck option and wait in the standard TSA line, drinks will run out by the time students enter the bar.
“I have been loyal to the bars in downtown Clemson. I’m there every weekend. Now, I have to wait in an hour-long line to see my friends. I do not have the time for this,” Turner said in an interview with The Kitten.
“The weekends are my time to have fun, and now I have to deal with the stress of high-level security.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
