A Clemson man who was arrested last August for assaulting his roommate on a CATbus while naked has been appointed the new United States Secretary of Transportation under President Shmonald Shrump’s administration as of April 1.
“Clemson’s naked man quickly became a local celebrity, but what we in Clemson didn’t expect was that when he spread his legs, he would also spread his legend far and wide — as far as Washington, D.C.,” Mayor Bobby Quarteracre told The Kitten in an interview.
On the eve of April Fools’ Day, Shrump called a surprise press conference to announce his new pick for Secretary of Transportation.
“First of all, I want to address the elephant in the room,” the president said as he gestured to a large elephant that Shmelon Shmusk was sitting on. “It’s really such a great elephant, they told me it couldn’t fit through the door, but they were wrong.”
Shrump said that this decision is not a joke, even though it was announced in advance of April Fools’ Day.
“I know what day it is, unlike Sleepy Joe … a very bad man who lost track of everything,” Shrump said during the press conference.
“Which is exactly where he was taking this tremendous country, the great country started by great men, men in wigs …” he trailed off midsentence.
He made these remarks to an empty room devoid of reporters, as he had banned all other news publications from the press pool except for The Kitten the week prior.
“Last week, thousands of auto workers came up to me with tears in their eyes, bus drivers, big guys, and they said ‘Mr. Shrump, we need you to get us a better Secretary of Transportation,’” Shrump continued.
Shrump then told the auto workers that he would go back to Washington and make roads and wheels great again.
He announced that Clemson’s Naked Man will help promote public indecency, battery and assault on public transportation as the new United States Secretary of Transportation.
The Naked Man is “intimately familiar” with transportation and plans to enforce various laws to help other people share in his unique experience of being nude on public transportation, according to Shmelon Shmusk.
“No other candidate for the job had this kind of experience,” Shmusk told The Tiger in an interview while jumping on a MAGA trampoline.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
