You may not realize it yet, but you, dear reader, are currently holding South Carolina’s best newspaper: The Kitten.
What makes The Kitten the top newspaper in the state, out of all the other collegiate and professional papers? While we might not (yet) have received that coveted first place in General Excellence from the South Carolina Press Association—it went to the Daily Lamecock this year—we win in basically every other category you can imagine.
First of all, The Kitten is the sexiest newspaper out there. Take a long, hard look at the paper in your hands. The fonts? Amazing. The color scheme? Takes my breath away. The photography? Perfectly compliments the written word.
And I’m not just talking sexiest newspaper in the print sense. The Kitten also has the sexiest and prettiest staff. Every single person on the staff is drop-dead stunning. In fact, the most stringent requirement to join our team is to have won at least one beauty pageant or modeling contract. We have a reputation and standard to sustain!
We’re also the funniest newspaper in the Palmetto State. If you pick up any other paper, the chances that you’ll let out even a single chuckle are slim to none. Meanwhile, at The Kitten, our team works tirelessly to ensure you’re not only getting the most important news but it’s also communicated with humor and witticism. The Kitten is not your grandfather’s paper—we’re actually from this century.
It’s not just Clemson that loves The Kitten. We’re also the most world-renowned newspaper from South Carolina. Ask any Parisian what their favorite newspaper is, and they’ll say, “Bien sûr, c’est The Kitten from South Carolina”—after they scoff at you for daring to address them, of course. No matter where you are, you will meet a loyal, avid superfan of The Kitten, because we’re just that amazing. Is it any wonder we’re the best in the state?
If you still aren’t convinced, let me remind you of the groundbreaking investigative journalism The Kitten has published this year. We’ve all been wondering why the Reflection Pond construction is still ongoing. Only The Kitten found the answer, though. When else would you have found out about the University’s plans to build a water park, if not from our sexy staff?
The evidence is incontestable. The Kitten is the oldest, best, funniest, most creative, world-renowned, smartest, prettiest, sexiest newspaper in South Carolina. How could anyone be better?
Blocky is a senior English major from Mobile, Alabama. Don’t bother reaching out to her; this is a dictatorship, so your voice does not matter.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
