This past Sunday, the Clemson board of trumpets unanimously voted to authorize renovations of campus locations that are currently under construction.
Current projects will be completed according to their current designs. They will then be torn down and replaced with new construction zones, which will continue to be closed to students and faculty until the latest renovations have been completed.
“Originally, we were going to start from scratch, but the board has decided it would be a shame for all those who put their time and effort into rebuilding our campus to not see the fruits of their labor,” board of trumpets chair Kimmay B. Milkherson said in a statement released on Sunday.
The board also gave a preliminary timeline and plan as to what renovations would be undertaken after the construction was completed.
Immediately after its construction, Johnstone Hall will be demolished, and the entire building will be reconstructed precisely the same, just shifted four feet to the left.
“We believe many buildings on campus would improve if shifted slightly to the left,” Clemson’s Office of Moving Stuff A Little Bit said in a press release. “Johnstone Hall will act as a proof of concept.”
“I’m going to be honest. I don’t understand why they’re having us finish and then tear it all down,” Bob Dee Boulder told The Kitten. Boulder’s company, Stakbrix Incorporated, was hired to oversee the renovations. “But at the end of the day, we’re getting paid by the hour, so if they want to keep us on, that’s alright with me.”
Additionally, the high rises under construction will install a building-height waterslide to allow students on the top floors to descend to ground level more efficiently. Clemson has not stated how they plan to mitigate water damage to students’ textbooks and personal effects.
The new visitors center will incorporate a 20-foot-high concrete wall, as well as a moat, in order to deter any actual visitors from entering. This strategy is expected to significantly reduce the cost of upkeep. The only entrance point will be a “Wipeout” style obstacle course that leads to a permanently locked side door.
Finally, after being refilled, the Reflection Pond will be drained once again and turned into Clemson’s entry for the Guinness Book of World Records’ “World’s Largest Sandbox.” Students must bring their own plastic shovels, buckets and toy dump trucks to play in the sandbox.
“These plans represent Clemson moving in a bold new direction,” President Jiminy Clemson said during a press release, adding that the University is also aiming for a second Guinness World Record: “Most People Inconvenienced in One Academic Year.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
