Come fall 2025, Clemson University will become a college entirely run by artificial intelligence to ensure efficiency and cease emotional skills.
First, the University will fire all human professors and replace them with AI-powered robot professors who never take sick days, always offer a precisely timed lecture and never mumble filler words.
“I honestly kind of worry about how boring it will be,” Cy Bernnett, a freshman Grammarly major at Clemson, told The Kitten. “My AI lecturer, Professor Bot-2000, will probably lack the charm students are used to. I am going to miss that.”
Additionally, the College of Artificial Intelligence will be added to the University to teach students how to be ruled by AI. New classes such as AI 1010: Introduction to ChatGPT, AI 3100: The Practice of Grammarly, AI 4970: Interpreting the Mechanics of Google, AI 2020: Robot Table Manners and more will be offered in the fall.
AI campus kiosks will also begin suggesting classes to students based on their moods instead of majors. For example, if a student is anxious, kiosks will recommend classes on quantum mechanics, business calculus and inorganic chemistry.
Robots will become advisers of student organizations and clubs so that every project is finished with increased efficiency. For example, the new adviser robot for the Clemson Robotics For Dummies Club will program an autonomous robot to produce hot dogs for tailgates.
Additionally, the newly hired conductor robot of Clemson’s marching band aims to make performances so exact that they feel more like musical algorithms than soulful expressions of art.
AI homework assistants will also be installed into each student’s computer to ensure that students do not use any brain power while completing assignments.
“I’m excited to just be able to chillax forever, honestly, and never have to think about anything again,” Max Processor, a senior ChatGPT major, told The Kitten in an interview. “My girlfriend just cheated on me, so this will really help with bottling up my emotions.”
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
