In the interest of saving money and letting go of dead weight, the South Carolina Legislature approved a bill Thursday to consolidate the University of South Carolina into Clemson University, making the school a Columbia campus for Clemson.
Clemson students feel unaffected by the decision, knowing they have no plans to go to Columbia anytime soon — at least not by choice.
Current South Carolina students bemoaned the news as they received logins for iROAR and were required to register for actual classes.
Their current president of less than a year declined to comment to The Tiger, saying he wished he had taken the advice of his predecessor.
“I can’t help but comment on this community and its hostility. By far the most hostile and destructive community I’ve ever been a part of. Not sure how anyone can stand being here,” plagiarizer and former South Carolina President Bob Caslen wrote.
After the news broke, fans of South Carolina’s rendition of football remained unconcerned until head coach Dabo Swinney confirmed that Clemson football would replace the team.
“They’re not Clemson, and they never will be,” Swinney said in 2011. “That’s why Carolina’s in Chapel Hill, and USC’s in California, and the university in this state always has been, always will be Clemson.”
Columbia residents were relieved by the news since many are tired of hearing the students’ Cuck Call, where they aggressively screech to distract themselves from their blowout home losses.
The General, South Carolina’s mascot, was also culled and recently served at the Hendrix Chick-fil-A after University officials agreed Cock Commander would have been a way cooler name.
The decision was a no-brainer, said Clemson University President Jim Clements.
“While we’re not eager to take on charity cases, we remain dedicated to serving the state of South Carolina,” Clements said. “Go Tigers!”
Columbia adds to the list of Clemson’s campuses, including Greenville, Charleston and Genoa, Italy, for some reason.
Clemson is expected to devote a majority of police resources to Columbia in order to secure the area from rampant crime, sources say.
“We’re keeping Clemson, Clemson,” Chris Miller, vice president of student affairs, said. “And South Carolina too.”