“How do I cope with finding out my friend is not who I thought they were?”

A student who obviously doesn’t have common sense or the personality to make any actual friends of value. And you know what, is probably actually the problem and definitely a loser.

First things first, the way you phrased that question is beyond awful! Is your friend a secret spy or part of the Witness Protection Program? No? That’s what I thought, so maybe next time be less dramatic with your phrasing.

From now on, I am going to answer the question, “What do I do if I find out my friend is bad news?” I assume this is what you meant.

Well, first, look within. And I don’t mean this as any of that “use your inner peace to heal” bull; instead, maybe ask yourself, “Am I the problem?” Spoiler alert! I think you are!

We attract people who are like us, so if your friend is crazy bad news, I hate to break it to you, but you are too. Crazies attract crazies. Have you ever thought, “Why don’t I have any cool or nice friends?” Well, it’s probably because you aren’t cool or nice yourself.

It wouldn’t be too far-fetched to propose that they were normal when they met you, and by forcing themselves to be near you — for God knows what reason — it probably drove them to be an awful person. It seems almost like you are an infectious disease spreading “awfulness” to everyone around you.

Being your friend honestly sounds like the worst and most life-threatening decision that a person could make. I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to be your friend in the first place, to be completely honest.

Maybe hop off your high horse and stop being so sensitive?

You should honestly try to keep this friend because they are probably all you can get.

If you are reading this and you think your friend sent this about you, ruin their life. This is not the way to deal with your issues. Maybe they should have talked it out with you first before airing out your business like that.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.