Clemson Prez JP Clemdog announced on March 32 that Clemson’s Reflection Pond, currently lacking water, will be converted into a water park before the end of the spring semester.

The original plan was to widen the walking path and build more outdoor study space, according to Tigertown Improvement, Inc. However, mid-way through construction, University administration received thousands of complaints through emails, phone calls, written letters, carrier pigeons, telegrams, cuneiform tablets and more.

The vacant pond put many students into a state of “despair,” according to Marsha Mellow, a spray tan technology and darty planning double major.

“It’s just tragic. There’s a hole in the middle of our campus and in my heart,” Mellow told The Kitten.

Other students demanded access to a water park, referencing amenities available at other universities, such as the University of Atlantis in Atlantis, Oceania.

“We need to build a waterslide. And we will,” DJ Trumpet, commander-in-chief of a group of protesting students, exclaimed during a student protest.

His confidence was central to the success of the popular movement, and this student input impacted the plans that the administration previously made, according to Clemdog.

“In Tigertown, we’re all in. Our students said they need a water park, so we’re fulfilling their request,” Clemdog announced during the protest at the Shoebox volleyball courts, holding a borg full of green liquid in one hand and a megaphone in the other.

“We’re scrapping the previous reflection pond plans, and we will be building a water park instead. It is scheduled to open within the month of April,” Clemdog continued.

The group of several hundred students who were gathered around him cheered loudly at the news.

Using designs created by the Clemson Water Park Engineering Faculty, the center of campus will soon be transformed into a relaxation destination. Although the plans were just announced, University administration has been laboring over these sketches for months.

To fund the project, Clemson received a grant from the recently established United States Department of Educational Enjoyment, which President Shmonald Shrump signed an executive order for on March 30. A mandatory $100 water park fee will also be added to each student’s tuition to offset the costs.

“My office projects that a majority of students will eagerly pay this additional sum,” Mr. Ricki, Clemson’s chief financial officer, said in an interview with The Kitten.

Students are encouraged to skip class in order to float on the water park’s 3-mile-long, man-made lazy river. Other features of the water park include six large body slides, a wave pool, river rafting and a dog-friendly splash pool specifically designed for Bave and Duddy.

The University expects “bikini-clad baddies” to flock to Clemson’s “hottest new venue,” according to Clemdog. The Douthit tanning pool and Y Beach will remain open but may experience less foot traffic.

Clemson Campus Recreation employee and paddleboard enthusiast JimBob BobJim, is “excited” about the new outdoor space.

“I’m tired of the crowds. I’m so glad students will have somewhere else to go besides Y Beach when the UV surpasses five,” BobJim told The Kitten in an interview.

On days when temperatures are expected to climb above 80 degrees, all afternoon classes will be canceled, according to Clemson’s dean of student happiness. The University will provide free tanning oil and Ray-Ban sunglasses for all students who wish to visit the water park.

Additionally, the Clemson University Guide Squad will provide prospective families with a voucher for the water park as part of the campus visit experience. Purple and orange bathing suits will be available for purchase at the Clemson University Bookstore beginning April 5.

This project is part of a new strategic plan for Clemson University to become the premier Leisure Skills University in the United States. In addition to current programs such as golf, archery and first aid, Clemson will offer water park playtime as a 1-credit hour course in the fall 2025 semester.

Additionally, the College of Business is offering a certificate program in Water Park Administration, which will begin accepting students this fall. The goal is to prepare academically motivated students for a fun-filled career.

Many students are “hopeful” for the future of the University with the addition of the new Clemson Water Park, according to a student body president who currently does not exist following election fraud scandals.

“Clemson gets better and better every day. I have never been more proud to be a Clemson Tiger,” Jelly Bean, a zoological sciences major at Clemson, told The Kitten. Upon graduation this spring, Bean will be working at a private tiger sanctuary in Southwestern Georgia.

“Bean is just one example of the real-world skills a Clemson education provides,” Clemdog told The Kitten. “Now, with a new Department of Water Parks, more opportunities abound.”

The Kitten will continue to provide updates on construction in the coming weeks. If people have any questions or suggestions, they can email the Clemson Department of Water Parks at [email protected].

This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.