The Blue House has recently decided that it should eliminate a number of news outlets reporting on current issues within the country. Amidst this turmoil in the press pool, I believe the Kitten is the best-fit outlet to do the job. Here is why.

Our team is dedicated to the facts of the nation. We’d be the fastest to predict what is coming next and be the first to start the rumors.

The writers here are personable, so we’d be able to get the scoop on personal inflictions between members of the Blue House. This can lead to the juiciest articles in the press pool.

We have the most resources available at the Kitten, including our football team, the catbus drivers, hearsay from the students and Josh Clemton. These resources can get exclusive interviews with everyone important in sports, city life and breaking news.

In the press pool, the other outlets focus on personal benefits, but here at The Kitten, we take pride in doing what is best for the people. Our first article would be for the Blue House to give us funding for more parking on Clemson’s campus. We need more parking over the roads being fixed.

When making us the sole news outlet in the press pool, we could take over the Daily Cock-a-Doodle. This would end the debate over who is the best in South Carolina.

Our paper is also extremely popular, and we would do the Blue House a favor by presenting their information to our viewers. The breaking news mainly happens in South Carolina anyway, so we can be there at the drop of a hat.

This job would also be very rigorous, but we at The Kitten take our jobs very seriously, even though we are unpaid (which is not a joke but feels like one).

By getting rid of every other newspaper and keeping The Kitten, the people would be entertained, informed and hopeful. This would be the best move for the Blue House.

This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.