I know we’re all thinking it. It’s so unfair that all those students over 21 will soon be able to drink beer at Clemson baseball games, thanks to the new beer garden. I don’t know why Clemson didn’t consider an even better idea: milk.

Let me set the scene: You’re sitting in the stands at the baseball game. The sun is beaming down on you, and you can feel rivulets of sweat dripping from your hairline. It’s so darn hot, and you’re so, so thirsty. You look to your side, and lo and behold, the thing you’ve been craving all game is staring at you, practically begging you to drink it. The milk garden.

I know what you’re thinking. Milk? Who likes drinking milk? We do. We’re Tigers. Tigers are cats. Cats like drinking milk, I don’t understand what’s not clicking.

Also, there’s absolutely nothing better at a sporting event than downing a glass of vaguely lukewarm milk. I am of the firm belief that this would make all sporting events so much more enjoyable. I don’t necessarily understand sports at all, but I understand milk, and milk understands me.

There’s so much more creativity that can accompany a milk garden rather than a beer garden. At a milk garden, we can have strawberry milk, chocolate milk and whole milk. If you’re lactose intolerant, drink the milk anyway, it makes the game more exciting and more interesting than a regular old baseball game!

Now, we can start with baseball, and personally, I think that baseball is the perfect place for the milk revolution to start. Once it gains traction, however, which I know it will, we can expand to lesser sports, like football.

After all this talk, I’m sure you’re now craving some milk. Go ahead and grab a glass, sit outside, and imagine that it’s 95 degrees and you’re watching baseball.

Nehvar is a freshman English and secondary education major from Lexington, South Carolina. You don’t need to contact her if you don’t agree, that’s too bad.

This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.