In a ‘fiercely forward’ move to address the campuswide parking crisis, Clemson University has announced the launch of a new three-credit course titled PARK 3010: How to Find a Parking Spot. The course, designed to “empower students with the skills and mental resilience necessary to conquer parking scarcity,” will be available starting in the fall 2025 semester.
The curriculum will cover theoretical and practical strategies for locating the most coveted campus resource: an empty parking space.
“Parking isn’t just a skill, it’s an art form,” President Clementine said while reviewing a pop quiz on blinker intimidation methods. The course promises to provide students with the tools they need to succeed on this ruthless asphalt battlefield. The course syllabus, which has already gone viral on Rate My Professor, includes an immersive hands-on learning experience.
Week 1: The Psychology of Spot Stealing
Identifying vulnerable prey — students who clearly just got to their spot but look like they might leave soon. Mastering the art of the slow-roll stalk, driving at precisely 2.4 mph behind walking students while making unwavering eye contact.
Week 3: Picket Axe Training: When All Else Fails
“In the unlikely event that you spot a patch of dirt or grass near Sirrine Hall, you’ll need the proper tools to carve out your own parking space,” the syllabus joyfully proclaims. This includes hands-on drills in soil cutting and advanced traffic cone placement techniques.
Midterm: Parallel Parking Trials
Students will be tested on their ability to parallel park a Ford F-150 in front of the Fike Recreation Center with only two feet of clearance on either side. Bonus points will be awarded for completing the test while simultaneously ordering Starbucks on the Grubhub app.
Week 5: Defensive Maneuvering in C2
Practical exercises in fending off aggressive Kia Souls and dodging athletes on scooters during class change hours. This includes a guest lecture by Clemson’s Parking Services “Enforcement Officer of the Year,” who will share top-secret strategies for blending your car into an employee lot and not getting towed.
Final Exam: The Ultimate Test
The final exam will require students to demonstrate their skills in a live-action simulation. Participants will be tasked with securing a spot in C1 at 7:55 a.m. on a Wednesday.
Failure to find a spot within 20 minutes results in an automatic F. However, students who successfully spot a professor walking to their car and tail them to their parking space will receive extra credit.
While some students remain hesitant, Clemson administrators are already considering expanding the course catalog. Potential future offerings include:
PARK 4010: Advanced Lot Hunt Techniques
PARK 4500: Emotional Resilience for Long Walks from Student Lots
PARK 4990: Crosswalk Jaywalking
With course registration filling up fast, students are advised to act quickly or risk having to Uber from Pendleton just to make their 8 a.m. class.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
