Due to college students’ crippling caffeine addiction and their need for sweet treats after a hard day, Dutch Bros has announced its first location in Clemson.
As if there were not enough coffee shops in this town, Dutch Bros plans to build on Tiger Boulevard in the hope that the constant and congested flow of traffic will help create a name for the coffee chain on the east coast.
Along with this monumental move, the company also plans to bring a new twist to your everyday coffee routine with drinks that may — or may not — have you coming back for more.
The company announced some unique and specialized treats that will be made just for Clemson students. One drink, the Tiger’s Blood Latte, is made from ethically sourced blood, sweat and tears that flow straight from these hills. Another latte, called Dabo’s Delight, features an array of flavors that intend to echo the pride of Clemson students.
Dutch Bros has also acknowledged the ongoing feud with rivals of the Tigers — specifically, the Gamecocks — and added a powerful espresso shot option called the Chicken Little to the menu to give you an energetic caffeine boost.
Besides coffee, Dutch Bros will also launch a new line of sweet treats to take the edge off of anyone’s day. These include an aptly-named orange scone called Howard’s Rock, as well as a blueberry muffin and a variety of cookies, including a chocolate-striped cookie named Tiger Stripes.
Dutch Bros has been approved by many of the University’s tiger mascots, who told The Kitten that the selection of new beverages was “comparable to a warm fall day after a Clemson win.” During the store’s grand opening this summer, students who are still living near campus can stop by for a free drink. Nothing says Clemson Grit more than hustling through summer classes while enjoying an iced coffee at Y Beach.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
