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Stock market crashes; Clemson football to pay out

Analysts have been watching the stock market carefully in wake of recent recessions caused by Clemson football.

“The stock market is crashing,” head coach and Federal Reserve Board Chair Dabo Swifty announced ahead of the upcoming Clemson football spring game.

Following last November’s upset win over Notre Dame, Dabo famously told the cameras, “If Clemson’s a stock, you better buy all you freakin’ can buy right now!”

In the subsequent weeks, several hundred million shares of Clemson football were bought at a high price. Thanks to inflation caused by off-season concerns, buyers have grown scared and are selling their shares, leading to a sharp decline in the national economy.

Sway appeared to take after a viral meme in his response to allegations that he is responsible for the failure of the American economy.

He voiced his frustrations in a characteristically passionate manner: “I mean, I don’t know what you want me to say. Football is a team game? No. It’s not a team game; I did my part. These players are terrible. I put in a good game plan, but these kids can’t execute.

“Everyone’s like, ‘no excuses’ — no, I got 22 excuses, 11 on my offense, 11 on my defense. Hell, (Garrett) Riley gets half his play calls off Madden rookie mode. I mean, the guy is just no good.”

When asked about the chance for a bounce back season, Swisha said, “Do we have a chance next year? No. We just lost four games, and now you think we could run the table? No. We’re just not a football school.”

He continued to vent about specific players and positions.

“We put in plays for Cade (Klubnik) like he’s gonna play like Peyton freaking Manning, and instead, he goes out and plays like his brother Cooper. We just can’t do anything about that. Our red zone defense looks like Oprah: you get a touchdown, you get a touchdown, you get a touchdown. It’s awful.”

When asked if there was anything positive for the foreseeable future, Swashbuckler highlighted the importance of recruiting in the upcoming years as well as the team’s togetherness through tough times.

“We’re trying to recruit bigger and better players to come play for us, but they all went to good schools. I know we need better players; I get it. I’m down to Rick Pitino some guys if I need to, but I’m not going to jail for these kids. Hopes are still high from the players.

“I hear them talking in the locker room like, ‘We’re a team, we got this, we’re in this together.’ Like, not me. I’m outta here. This team is f—ing terrible.”

On an unrelated note, Clemson’s spring game is set for 1 p.m. on Saturday, April 6, and will be played in Memorial Stadium.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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    BillyApr 2, 2024 at 8:38 am

    Get this trash out of here