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Coaches gladiator brawl to settle SC rivalry once and for all

Emma Bulman // Contributor
Littlejohn Coliseum is set to host the gladiator-style brawl between Clemson and the University of Second Choice.

One of the best in-state rivalries in college sports is finally going to be settled once and for all: the legendary battle between Clemson and the University of Second Choice. This will be determined not by the skills and athleticism of players, but by the hands of the people who have led them in recent years.

That’s right, head coaches Dabo Swinney, Brad Brownell and Mike Noonan are set to battle the University of not Southern California head coaches Shane Beamer, Lamont Paris and Dawn Staley in a must-see event at Littlejohn Coliseum.

The Coliseum is the perfect setting for this gladiator-style brawl to end a centuries-long rivalry. It will leave nothing up for debate, no matter the outcome of the future Palmetto Series.

The Tigers will have an enormous home advantage, as fans are expected to create their signature rowdy atmosphere. Those coming from Columbia may be unfamiliar with an active student section, as they have never seen — and likely never will see one — as long as they follow Gamecock sports.

Beamer, Paris and Staley have expressed their fears ahead of this one-time-only, winner-takes-all battle.

“I can’t compete with Dabo on the football field — I have no chance on a basketball court. Did you see his black eye from playing pickup? I’m not messing with that,” Beamer said of his adversary.

“Who?” Brownell said when asked about Paris, Sad Cock’s men’s basketball coach. Thus, Staley appears to be the only formidable opponent on the side of the Cocks as her women’s basketball team actually wins games.

The overwhelming culture brought by Tigers near, far, past and present will come together to commemorate this day as a local and national holiday. The “Roost Exile” will forevermore celebrate the day that solidified this very important matter. When someone thinks about the best college in South Carolina, they will only think of Clemson University.

It has recently been announced at the time this article is being written that the Silly Cookie head coaches and fans, upon being informed of their battle at Littlejohn, have replaced all flags in Columbia with Clemson flags and, of course, white flags.

This article is satire as part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.

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