In an attempt to prevent Tiger Boulevard from becoming a full-time parking lot of ravenous Chick-fil-A enthusiasts, the Clemson City Council has approved the construction of a dedicated Chick-fil-A drive-thru lane.
The lane will stretch from College Avenue to the front door of the restaurant and will be known as “The Chicken Expressway.”
The decision comes amid a record number of motorists abandoning their vehicles in the middle lane and departing on foot to seek the chicken they crave. On March 20, a witness testified during a city council meeting that a man attempted to stalk a squirrel in possession of a Chick-fil-A sauce packet.
“Listen, I’m not saying Chick-fil-A is the backbone of our economy, but if the cows ever unionize, we’re done for. Zaxby’s tried to step up, but let’s be honest: it’s like asking for filet mignon and getting microwaved meatloaf,” Mayor Bobby Quarteracre told The Kitten.
The construction, set to occur between April 15 and June 4, will shut down Tiger Boulevard, forcing residents to brave the long journey to Anderson, Seneca or Easley to get their fast food necessities. Emergency waffle fries can be air-dropped in times of increased tensions with a partnership between Clemson and Chick-fil-A, which will be officially announced shortly.
“By the time I reach the window, I’ve aged three years and have a family. I love Chick-fil-A, but I’m fairly certain I could raise a chicken from birth, teach it manners and fry it myself before I get my nuggets,” Santa Claus III told The Kitten.
The new “Chicken Carpool Lane” is expected to trim dinner traffic times by at least a presidential term. The city council is also considering creating an “Express Lane” only for customers who don’t order entrees.
In a recent press release, Quarteracre pleaded with hesitant Clemson residents — arguing that this project holds major promise and that it is dire to complete it for the community’s safety.
“This lane is more than a road. It’s hope. It’s progress. It’s fried chicken,” Quarteracre said.
This satirical article is part of The Tiger’s April Fool’s edition, The Kitten. This story was written for comedic purposes and has no verifiable truth to it.
