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The Stanley cups will be Clemson focused.

All Clemson students to receive Stanleys

Juliana Coates, Professional Liar April 1, 2024

As part of Clemson’s recent efforts to promote campuswide sustainability, all students will now be receiving Stanley tumbler cups upon enrolling at the University. “We are committed to delivering...

Despite what Hollywood wants you to believe, most movies are fictional.

Movies: They’re all bad

Thomas Merzlak, General Nuisance April 1, 2024

In my capacity as this publication’s most long-winded film writer, I have viewed several movies over the last few months. I have given many of them glowing reviews, praising their formal sophistication...

Imagine the endless possibilities the state would have if it changed its name and image to that of Clemson. This includes but is not limited to, Jim Clements as governor.

Being a Carolina is so last year

Olweis Wright, Facts Editor April 1, 2024

There is no contest or question when it comes to the argument of which school is the best university in South Carolina. Clemson is always the true winner, so why is it fair that the University of South...

Swinney, pictured at a press conference the day after his chat with the infamous Tyler from Spartanburg, said, I had some idiot go Old Testament on me, and he got an Old Testament response. Yall print that one.

Swinney to hire Tyler from Spartanburg as motivational speaker

graciegirl1307, Balls Editor April 1, 2024

The scandal that swept the Upstate last October has resurfaced in an unexpected way — that is to say, Tyler from Spartanburg is back. Anyone who pays attention to Clemson football recalls the ill-fated...

The new College of Gen Z will have classes on getting zooted and shotgunning.

Clemson to add College of Gen Z

Blakers Mauro, Mommy-in-Chief April 1, 2024

In hopes of graduating the most “straight fire” student population, Clemson announced the opening of the College of Generation Z on March 32. Seminars offered in the new college include GENZ 1010:...

The CATbus is free for all riders and is offered daily.

Fake News Briefs

Josiah Sullivan, Senior Reporter April 1, 2024

Tendy Tuesday to become Gamecock Tuesday Due to a nationwide shortage of regular chicken tenders, Clemson Dining has declared that next year, Tendy Tuesday will be replaced by Gamecock Tuesday. “While...

Clemson is ditching orange and purple, hopefully for good.

Clemson to revert back to red and blue colors

Mariah Jordan, Orange Hater April 1, 2024

Aren't you tired of that orange and purple? If your answer is yes, there's no need to fear because Clemson University is bringing back its original school colors of red and blue.  Starting April 1,...

The facility will include inspirational quotes for journalists by Rustin Jobertson.

The Tiger to move into Clemson football facility

Luke Goatee, Ass Balls Editor April 1, 2024

Clemson University has announced that the Allen N. Reeves Football Complex will be repurposed as a new office space for The Tiger. The facility is 178,000 square feet and gives The Tiger ample space for...

Lucky you! These fine young gentlemen could be your uber ride home.

Need a lift? Bro-peds to the rescue

Avery Cock, Lisan al Gaib April 1, 2024

Clemson downtown, you’re in luck this Saturday. All bro-ped owners in Clemson have teamed up with Uber in order to provide easy transportation for all the drunkies this weekend at an exceptionally low...

Clemson fans will have to stand on a hill across the entirety of Death Valley.

Death Valley to be converted to hill-style stadium

Juliana Coates, Senior Reporter April 1, 2024

Out of all the rites of passage that a Clemson student goes through, none is more infamous than experiencing a football game on Memorial Stadium’s hill. Sliding stomach-first when the rope finally drops,...

The Watt Family and Innovation Center is about to get quite busy during the night.

Watt Center roof to become an electric disco strip club

Kat Pugh, Professional Liar April 1, 2024

The Board of Trumpets approved funding for converting the roof of the Watt Family Innovation Center into an electric disco strip club to provide students with academic stress relief. Construction of...

Riff off scene from Pitch Perfect.Variety // Courtesy 

Pentatonix challenge Tigeroar To A ‘Riff Off’

Sydney Smith, Contributor April 1, 2023

After Tigeroar announced their spring show on April 9 with a setlist full of hits from the 2012 cult classic "Pitch Perfect," it caught the attention of popular a cappella group, Pentatonix, which has...

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